West Ham United - The Game's Gone Crazy

QPR's Hughes Insists "You Will Work Harder!"

2012-02-16T11:20:00.003Z

After Fernandes accused the team of being spineless - because he failed to cough up the cash to build a spine some might argue - Mark Hughes has now come up with the highly original idea of sending the team away to a boot camp. Apparently, QPR lost at Blackburn because they are not fit and strong enough!

That's an interesting interpretation of events I must say! What was the score at half time? Three nil to Blackburn. And what was the score at the end of the game? 3-2. So which team weakened the longer the game went on and which team came on stronger in the second half? But why allow the facts to get in the way of prejudice?

Boot camps are the last resort of the desperate. Bowen has talked of the "moans and groans" of the players which tells you something about the mood inside the camp. Warnock suggested that he was a victim of player power and, by dancing to the jig played on Joey's Twatter, Fernandes has empowered them still further. Hughes hopes to sweat rebellion out of them but at what cost? Wouldn't it be better to work on defending and scoring rather than putting in the "hard yards"? "Let's yomp our way to victory" isn't a very inspiring rallying cry is it?

Look out for a Barton Twatter anytime soon!

Morrison Charge Shows The World Has Gone Crazy!

2012-02-16T10:55:00.002Z

Oh dear God.

Hang on, am I allowed to start like that? What implications does the word "dear" have? Is there a suggestion here that I have some sort of personal, or indeed, intimate relationship with God? Might I be offending some religious denomination in some way? Could there be a hint, no matter how subtle, that God may be - perish the thought - homosexual? Might this open up furious debate about the existence, or otherwise, of Mrs God, inviting a torrent of complaints from Muslims who argue that Jesus cannot be the son of God because that implies that God had intimate relations, whilst any suggestion that he might be homosexual would be flagrant blasphemy worthy of issuing a fatwah on the spot?

But, of course, I have transgressed by presuming that God is male. What about the feminist groups, already downtrodden by organised religions, who may now complain about my flagrantly sexist presumption? Maybe God is a woman. After all, life begins in the womb and God created life. And if the Muslims are right and God created life without the need for congress, perhaps God is a lesbian, a big, strong, tattoo wearing lesbian...but hang on, now I am voicing a stereotype with negative connotations and am being offensive about both God and lesbians. So maybe God is this gorgeous lesbian, sexy as hell, long slender legs, fantastic breasts, beautiful eyes - sorry, another offence, forcing male sexual fantasy images upon lesbians, objectifying them in a shameful and unacceptable way.

And then of course, there is the offence caused to the atheists simply through the suggestion that there may be a God, and the homosexual atheists in particular, not to mention the black homosexual atheists or the black lesbian atheists or the black lesbian disabled atheists. So let's start with Dear Black Lesbian Disabled Void. Is that alright? But what about transgender atheists or indeed black lesbian transgender atheists...

Oh shit, I give up! In the light of the FA's letter to players warning them that they face disciplinary sanctions if they make reference to a person’s ethnic origin, colour, race, nationality, faith, gender, sexual orientation or disability, what can anybody say exactly? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. But there I go again, offending those of faith by using that word nothing!

Anyway, I must rush, I'm writing a letter to the FA to refer the FA to the FA for writing a letter to players, which clearly discriminates against illiterate and dyslexic players, not to mention black, homosexual, atheist players who don't speak English...

Meanwhile, Ravel should be given detention and made to write lines.

I will not use homophobic abuse
I will not use homophobic abuse
I will not use homophobic abuse.

Perhaps Iain Dale could supervise the detention and give him six of the best to ensure it never happens again! That's done it, I'm on a charge now!

Look in the mirror Allardyce, then point the finger!

2012-02-15T18:27:00.001Z

Question: can anybody remember West Ham collecting four red cards in a season? It may have happened in 2003-04 because Defoe was on a mission to get a transfer and was collecting red cards like other teenagers were collecting Pokemon cards (for those that don't remember, he picked up three), but even when Hutchison, Dicks and Mad Dog were in Claret and Blue, I don't remember four red cards in the first two thirds of a season.

It's true that red cards are issued more liberally these days, but players know the rules and have a duty not to push the envelope, thereby forcing a referee's hand. So why is it happening?

Well if a manager automatically blames the referee and publicly defends his players, is it any wonder that they behave irresponsibly? Taylor was stupid last night - bloody stupid - but rather than criticise him, Allardyce chose to quibble over whether hands were raised to the chest or face. Who cares? We had just been awarded a penalty so what the hell did Taylor think he was doing? His actions were crass and irresponsible as Vaz Te appeared to tell him after the card was shown. So why the hell hasn't Allardyce said that? Instead of arguing about the decision to show red, why isn't Allardyce saying what most West Ham fans believe, that Taylor let the club down and cost us the game?

But a pattern has already been established hasn't it? Kebe was criticised by Allardyce for provoking Collison's assault at Reading and, unbelievably, Nolan's horror tackle in the Millwall game was also defended despite the powder keg nature of that fixture. What message does this give to the players exactly? Well, Taylor's idiotic conduct last night answers that question doesn't it? If the manager endorses thuggery, why shouldn't the players behave like thugs?

Would Greenwood have behaved like Allardyce? Or Lyall? Or Clough? I can hear Clough now. "The boy was bloody stupid and it will cost him three weeks wages for the time he is suspended." Now, had Allardyce adopted that approach after Nolan's red card, would Taylor have rushed in, fool like, last night? Of course not!

Instead of blaming the officials, Allardyce should point the finger at his own reflection. This is a team in the image of the manager, and like the manager, it considers itself above reproach. Collison let the club down at Reading, Nolan did the same against Millwall and Taylor repeated the offence last night. All three should have been fined and publicly reprimanded. Perhaps then we might keep 11 players on the pitch for the duration of a game!

Allardyce To Face FA Charge

2012-02-15T10:11:00.001Z

Allardyce vented in typical fashion last night, blaming the referee for costing us two crucial points, or five if you take the view that yesterday's game was a six pointer. And now Doctor Evil must surely expect a call from the FA after he suggested that Probert and his assistants not only got it wrong, but did so intentionally. Speaking after the game, an infuriated Allardyce ranted:

"In our point of view the major decisions have gone the wrong way. I don't want the officials taking away what we are striving for and I thought the officials tried to do that today, which was a shame."

The problem lies in Allardyce claiming that the officials "tried" to disadvantage West Ham in the game. Now that is a very serious charge indeed. It's one thing to say they got it wrong - and most agree that they had a bad game - but it is quite another to suggest that the "errors" were by design. That is an allegation of cheating and that should land Allardyce in very deep water indeed.

West Ham 1 Southampton 1 - Ten Heroes, Two Idiots!

2012-02-14T22:10:00.003Z

Two games, three idiots. It was Nolan against Millwall, and Taylor and Probert tonight. Two excellent penalty shouts were ignored by Probert before he remembered where the spot was, but then Taylor put in his bid for Twat of the Season, getting himself sent off for barging into the guy who had given us the penalty!

So, who gets your award? Nolan for that foul against Millwall, Collison for cleaning up Kebe or Taylor tonight? O'Brien's dismissal was stupid but not really in the same league.

Given we were playing with 10 men, you have to see this as a point won, but I have a horrible feeling that Allardyce's substitutions cost us. True Maynard forced an excellent save from Davis, but we missed Cole's physical presence after he was withdrawn and the ball kept coming back far too quickly when we tried to clear our lines. With the Southampton goal coming from a set piece, you also feel that Cole might have been useful defensively. Meanwhile O'Neil again offered very little. His introduction was a signal to the rest of the team to retreat - exactly as against Millwall. Vaz Te was a thorn in the side of the Southampton defence and when he came off, Southampton were free to pour forward. And of course, Vaz Te is a big lump and O'Neil isn't so we were again weaker when defending a set piece. How ironic!

Yet again, we failed to score more than once in a game, and yet again we failed to score from open play - but Davis was as heroic as Green tonight, and with ten men, there was a valid excuse.

Birmingham's draw was great news, but Cardiff and Blackpool have edged closer. The game at Blackpool is now huge - and Avram Grant's side won there if you remember. We go into the game without both Taylor and Nolan so hopefully nobody else will pick up the idiot mantle!

Green made three excellent saves, Noble led by example, Faubert had another fine game and was exhausted come the final whistle and the whole defence worked well as a unit. But for Taylor, we would have won the game comfortably. I hope Allardyce gives him a rocket!

Biased Referee, Idiotic Taylor. On A Knife Edge!

2012-02-14T20:48:00.003Z

Talk about making life difficult for yourself! After two good penalty claims were ignored, Lee Probert decided he couldn't give Southampton three lives and at last remembered how to point to the penalty spot after Noble was tripped. So far so good.

But then Taylor decided 'anything Nolan can do, I can do better', and came charging into Sharp, who crumpled as if he had been shot, and Probert promptly reached for a red card!

So, for the second home game in a row, we found ourselves a player down inside the first twenty minutes! And we collected a red card after WINNING a penalty. Brilliant. Only West Ham!

Noble tucked the penalty away with the minimum of fuss but Probert still wasn't finished. Keeper Kelvin Davis stamped on Cole and slapped him into the bargain, but this time the referee couldn't find his red card so waived yellow instead, turning it on Cole too to level things up!

Green has made two brilliant saves and Lambert hit the outside of the post with a free kick. You had the feeling in the last quarter of the half that a goal was coming. We were like a boxer on the ropes praying for the bell by the end of the half.

If Southampton score early, it could be curtains: they are far better than Millwall! It's been a heroic performance so far but if you were having money on it, you would back on broken Claret and Blue hearts by the end of the game. That's four red cards already this season, and they have all been absolutely stupid.

Allardyce Goes Offensive!

2012-02-14T19:18:00.002Z

Well there's a shock. It is 4-3-3, but it is truly 4-3-3 rather than 4-5-1!

Taylor switches to left back, something I have been calling for for some time, and Vaz Te comes in instead of Nolan. Tomkins continues to anchor midfield, but we could even set up 3-5-2 with the personnel selected, with Taylor and O'Brien bombing up the flanks.

The surprise team reads:

Green

O'Brien, Faye, Reid, Taylor

Tomkins

Noble Collison

Faubert Vaz Te

Cole

On the bench are McCartney, Lansbury, Baldock, Maynard and O'Neil so there is scope to change the shape there too.

It's an odd game to change things so dramatically but I'm not complaining!

Glasgow Rangers: A Lesson For The SNP

2012-02-14T09:55:00.002Z

What a mess! The biggest, or second biggest, club in Scotland are on the brink of Administration because it cannot meet its financial obligations. Those sons of bitches over at HMRC want Rangers to pay their tax bill - how unreasonable! - and that is the only straw that will break the club's back.

There is a metaphor here for Scottish independence. Rangers have tried to punch with the big boys in Europe for decades now, but can't do so without the financial clout of the English Premiership. Being a big fish in a tiny pond is no good it seems, when you find yourself toe to toe with big fish in bigger ponds.

So Rangers have been living a lie by making payments into Employee Benefit Trusts without paying tax on the payments - a bit like 'Arry making payments to Rosie as far as the layman (and HMRC before the tria) is concerned. Isn't that how Scotland is being run at the moment, with free prescriptions and free university education, courtesy of funding from the English exchequer?

Isn't there a huge irony here? Rangers and Celtic are desperate to join the EPL because they know it is the only way to succeed at the top table of European football, whilst the SNP are proposing the exact reverse. Rangers and their fans face humiliation as a result and Scottish voters should take very careful note. Vote for independence and a chill wind could soon be blowing up their kilts and freezing their bollocks off!

FA Kop Out Over Liverpool, Suarez & Dalglish

2012-02-13T20:47:00.002Z

So, no further action is planned following Suarez's snub of Evra and Dalglish's dreadful defence of the Uruguayan. It seems that apologies suffice. Makes you wonder if we might still have Capello as an England manager had this solution been suggested in the John Terry case.

As I have maintained all along, Dalglish and the club behaved terribly when they offered 100% support for Suarez after he was found guilty as charged. Suarez and Dalglish may not have agreed with the verdict, but that was no excuse for those Suarez t-shirts. By instructing his players to wear them, Dalglish put two fingers up to the FA and displayed total contempt for the administrators of the game. Capello was backed into resigning for far less!

When an opposition player was reduced to tears by racist abuse from a Liverpool fan, the full implications of the affair should have been obvious to Dalglish. If a manager tolerates racism from one of his players, and publicly offers support to that player, how can the club expect the fans to behave decently? But did Dalglish learn the lesson? Did he Hell as like!

His post match press interview on Saturday endorsed Suarez's actions - not just the refusal to shake hands but also the original offence. For Dalglish to claim that he hadn't seen it, and knew nothing about it, was absurd. What he meant was that he agreed with what Suarez had done!

Now I support the notion of accepting an apology but what does a Suarez apology amount to exactly? He apologised for the original offence but then undid and ridiculed that apology when he refused to accept Evra's proffered hand on Saturday. So he has apologised again; so what? We all know that he has only said sorry to head off a suspension, and I suspect that Dalglish's apology is as a result of pressure being applied from above.

Liverpool fans, of course, defended both Suarez and Dalglish on Saturday, but then they would wouldn't they? The people of the city even closed ranks when Rhys Jones was shot dead. They look after their own in Liverpool, which is why the city has such a huge crime rate. Scousers stick together and steal from each other at the same time: Neighbourhood Watch is a lookout system in Liverpool, the neighbours are away so let's help ourselves to their 48 inch TV! But be fair, they do issue warnings when a DHSS snoop is in the locality!

Sadly, when he defended Suarez, Dalglish put himself on the same side as the city's hypocrites who claim to share a common affinity yet steal from their own neighbours as soon as their backs are turned. That's not ALL Liverpudlians - the majority are very decent people - but it is far too many of them! The club should ask Dalglish to consider his position, just as the FA invited Capello to consider his; and if Dalglish is an honourable man, he will walk.

As for Suarez, he should be allowed to see out the season and then be invited to find another club - outside of multicultural England.

Meanwhile the FA have Kopped out appallingly. Liverpool are too big a club to take on it seems.

Maynard Doesn't Understand Allardyce

2012-02-13T16:08:00.002Z

So Nicky Maynard is hoping to get his chance against Southampton. He might do. If we are a goal behind with 20 minutes to play, or Cole runs out of steam and needs to be replaced - but then Vaz Te is his more probable like for like replacement. Big Sam wants a big man to lead the line.

But start? Against Southampton in a crucial six pointer? Very little chance because that would mean going 4-4-2, and Allardyce isn't going to take that chance in such a big game.

But by failing to do so, he may give Southampton the game on a plate. Look at the goal scoring potential of the two teams if we set up 4-5-1 without Nolan, and you have to say that the Saints would be your favourites to put the ball in the onion bag. And give them a lead and I suspect we will find it very difficult to claw them back and nigh on impossible to get our noses in front.

I posted on Saturday that I expected Taylor to replace Nolan, with Collison coming inside and Taylor going wide left. There is a chance, a slim one but a chance, of Vaz Te starting on the left and Taylor coming in to the middle, with Collison dropping out, but the prospects of a conventional 4-4-2, using Maynard alongside Cole, must be as slim as Keira Knightley on a diet.

The game is fraught with dangers in my book. Lallana, Sharp and Lambert must be favourites to get at least one goal between them - and with our goal per game return since the beginning of December, that spells big danger. But Doctor Evil will see the threat and protect caution from the wind.

QPR Reject Warnock Fancied By Wolves

2012-02-13T14:52:00.002Z

Wouldn't that be typical? You dump a bird, the next thing you know, she slims down, has breast implants, takes a course on the Kama Sutra, announces she is bisexual and her girl friend is a porn model, and she starts dating your best mate! Meanwhile you've hitched yourself to a Welsh rarebit who turns out to be a tranny!

God, if Wolves do appoint Warnock, the fun really will start. To be honest, he would take over a stronger team and squad at Wolves, even after Fernandes has shot his load in signing Cisse, Zamora, TweedleNedum and Taiwodummer.

How humiliating would it be for the gRs if Warnock worked it up the Wolves, whilst Hughes disappeared without trace in the Bush? And, as bad as his record is in the Prem, you would fancy Warnock to knock a few heads together and inspire a winning run over the final quarter of the season.

Poor McCarthy had been undermined by his Chairman - much as Hughes has been embarrassed by Fernandes's Twatter comments and Grant was destroyed by Sullivan & Gold - and stood no chance of turning things around. Warnock, on the other hand, will get in their faces, tell them they can do it, and may well get a response.

Oh the potential irony! Less Kama Sutra, more Karma Suits You gRs!

QPR's Fernandes Loses The Plot

2012-02-13T10:32:00.001Z

I suppose it was inevitable. The guy is a media whore so it was only a matter of time before he took to Twitter to undermine his new manager and breed disaffection in the dressing room. But Fernandes has done it with knobs on!

Venting after the Nightmare on Ewood Park Street, the poisoned dwarf raged, "“The worst 45 mins I have seen since I became chairman of QPR. Talent is one thing. Being able to cope with the pressures of talent is key. Everyone needs a spine to take the pressures of life. We need a spine in QPR. We need fighters not just talent.”

The fury is understandable - he didn't get where he is today by backing losers - but probably unwise. It is the manager's job to make these sorts of comments, it is the job of the chairman to keep his trap shut and back his manager.

Will Joey Barton respond? Fernandes says he wants fighters, so perhaps Joey will invite him to a face to face - literally - meeting in an alley off Loftus Road? I would love a ticket for that! And Anton should be there. He would probably hear Joey say a few things that might make him question who is the more evil, John Terry or the man who wears the club's armband!

Mind you, I agree with Fernandes on one thing - or rather he agrees with me! What have I been saying about the failure to recruit a captain for the back four and the goal keeper issue? QPR need a spine alright, and with eight mediocre defenders to pick from, and a keeper who isn't really Premiership quality, they don't have one.

The trouble is spines are expensive - really expensive. And Fernandes' commitment to QPR is limited. He grabbed the headlines with two mediocre strikers, it's a shame he didn't invest in a no nonsense, unglamourous defender or two.

How did we get relegated last season?

2012-02-12T22:52:00.001Z

Ok there was Grant! And Upson couldn't be arsed. And neither could Bridge. And we had Spector. And Tomkins was up and down. And we had to pick Gabbidon. And Cole couldn't hit a barn door from five paces for much of the season. And Hitz was out until January. And Green's confidence was shot to pieces. And Jacobsen was past it. And Kovac played a few games. And Ba was played out of position. And Ilunga played 10 games. And Keane was on a bonus from 'Arry to relegate us. And Obinna flattered to deceive. And Behrami wanted out. And the Barrera we signed was working in Taco Bell. And Boa started NINETEEN games. And then there was Piquionne and Sears and Stanislas and...

But still! How?

Dear God, Wolves are shit! And so are Wigan! And so are Blackburn! And they have all STRENGTHENED since last season! Dear God, how did we manage to finish below all three of them, not to mention Blackpool?

Parker booking a warning for England

2012-02-12T19:28:00.003Z

For all his excellent reviews, question marks still hang over Scott Parker. Tottenham fans are raving about the man they never really wanted, just like they are raving over a manager they were loath to see appointed, but yesterday's booking showed why the former "Mr West Ham" may do to England's European Championship chances what Green did to our World Cup bid.

Did anybody else notice the foul that bought Parker his yellow card?

Why? Why would a player do that? Just outside the box, full view of the referee, Scotty elected to go through the back of a Newcastle player, conceding a ridiculous free kick in the process. If this was a one off, fair enough, but time and again he did the self same thing in Claret & Blue, giving the opposition wonderful opportunities to score.

Parker was lucky this time because Friedel pulled off a good save from the free kick, but top internationals will find the top corner, out of reach of the keeper. For some reason, this is in Parker's game and until somebody sits him down and tells him to cut it out, he will always be an accident waiting to happen. And at international level, one accident is all it takes, as Green can confirm.

Goal and assist count so far for Scotty in Tottenham colours? One assist, no goals. Sadly, England don't have Van der Vaart, Bale, and Modric to compliment Parker in midfield!

QPR Supporters Resigned to the Drop

2012-02-12T10:37:00.003Z

After all the early Fernandes inspired bravado, it seems that reality has bitten QPR fans on the arse - and like cocky cockers face to face with a teeth baring rottweiler, the gRs have lost their growl.

To be fair, it's hardly surprising. There was a tremor of excitement in the Bush when Zamora and Cisse were signed, but by the twelfth day of February, it's dawning what exactly the true love Fernandes has given to them. As much as I like him, Zamora's goal scoring record in the top flight of English football isn't great - 39 goals in 172 appearances - and neither is Cisse's - 24 goals in 86 appearances. Average that out and the pair give you 19 goals a season between them if they play in all 38 games - and we already know that isn't going to happen. In truth, they are good rather than great signings and, like Carlton Cole, both need a stack load of chances for every goal they score.

But the big problem, as yesterday showed, is at the back. If Nedam is such a good centre back - which of course he isn't - why the hell was he played at right back yesterday? Credit the Blackburn players for the way they took their three goals, but where was the tight marking? They had so much time to weigh up their shots because QPR defenders were standing yards off them. And that is Blackburn! God help QPR when they play a half decent team if Hughes can't sort that out quickly!

But how can you sort it out when you don't have a leader at the back and your defenders are short of Premiership quality? Ferdinand failed at Sunderland despite the guidance of a specialist defender - Steve Bruce. He is too old now to make the jump needed to become the finished article. The same applies to Nedum. He is a nearly man. Very promising as a kid but he hasn't trained on. But Hall and Gabbidon are no better. Look at the 25 man squad and it is frighteningly heavy with offensive players. There are only 8 specialist defenders to cover 4 positions and TEN forwards to cover two positions. That is mad! So what did Hughes do? He spent his big money on strikers!

Two crucial six pointers have yielded no points. It's true that QPR looked better than their opponents in both games, but its the final result that counts. Anything less than 3 points against Fulham will spell disaster. Everton have hit their straps and will be targeting QPR for 3 points, and then comes another 6 pointer at Bolton. If QPR collect 7 points from those three, they should be fine, if they collect three or less, they will go down.

But the biggest worry is that the QPR fans seem to have given up. Look at the responses on here. My post yesterday features in the top 3 on the QPR News Now board, but where is the bile? Where is the indignation? Where is the fury? The gRs have lost their growl. Poor dears, I picture them lying in their baskets in the kitchen, ears and jowls floppy, with sad, sad eyes, mustering a half hearted whack of the tail each time the wife opens the biscuit tin, before sighing at the prospect of living off of crumbs.

Fernandes has used the R word and so has Beard. Perhaps the club should change its name to Queens Park Reality or Queens Park Resigned or even Queens Park Relegation.

Cardiff Defeat & Blackpool's Draw Outweighs Southampton Victory

2012-02-11T20:13:00.001Z

It's unfortunate that Southampton have pulled up on to our shoulder, but Cardiff's defeat at Leicester and Blackpool's home draw with struggling Portsmouth more than made up for that. Two teams go up, and if Southampton are one of them, that's fine by me. I went to university in Southampton and have a soft spot for them.

Mind you, it was galling to see Sharp score. I was keen for us to sign him at the knock down price he was available at and, for the life of me, I can't understand why we didn't make a move, if only to stop Southampton from getting their mitts on him.

Hull and Reading both won but if we can't finish above them then we really don't deserve to win promotion. Cardiff, Birmingham and Blackpool are the biggest threats to the top two and with the two who played stumbling, our promotion prospects strengthened without even kicking a ball. The Devil is still keeping his side of the bargain with Doctor Evil!

Bring Back Warnock - QPR 0 Relegation Rivals 12

2012-02-11T19:40:00.001Z

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, two crucial six pointer games played and no points returned. Half time against Villa seems a long, long time ago now. Had the Hoops held on to a victory there, they would have expected victories over relegation rivals Wolves and Blackburn. But instead of nine crucial points, lifting them to the threshold of safety, they have netted just one, and sit on level points with third from bottom Blackburn and just two points above bottom of the table Wigan.

What the hell happened at Ewood Park? How can any side ship three goals in 45 minutes against Blackburn? Well, any team with Ferdinand and Nedam at centre back and with Kenny in goal. I warned that QPR were ignoring defence at their peril when spending the big money on two strikers, and so it is proving sadly. Mind you, questions have to be asked of the offensive players too. The shot count stood at an incredible 25 to 7 in QPR's favour, yet they still contrived to lose the game! 13 of those QPR shots were on target but only 2 goals resulted; Blackburn netted 3 from 5, although I'm not sure if Nedum's goal counts in those shots statistics!

Meanwhile, Fulham's victory has pulled them 9 points clear of Hughes' charges, and the next game against another club he walked out on now becomes absolutely crucial, as is the clash between Wolves and West Brom tomorrow. The Rs must be praying for a draw there, otherwise Wolves will open up a gap or West Brom will pull clear. Three from six are reasonable odds, three from five really is squeaky bum time!

The Hughes honeymoon is well and truly over. He was appointed with a run of winnable games in mind but after a promising start with a narrow defeat at Newcastle and a win over bottom placed Wigan, the wheels have come off horribly. Back in October, I warned that the home draw against Blackburn was a warning that QPR were in for a season long struggle and the gRs growled with a vengeance. No chance with SWP, Barton and Traore, they insisted, and just wait for the January transfer window! Well who was right guys?

Of course, gRs will bemoan their luck and insist that Blackburn were outplayed. But as we discovered under Roeder, it's not always the three weakest teams that go down. And do you know, I reckon that with Warnock in charge, QPR would have won against Wolves and got a result at Blackburn too. Stick with a manager or twist, it's a difficult question. Who knows, even Wigan might make a fight of it now!

Time for FA to act against Suarez, Dalglish & Liverpool FC

2012-02-11T16:11:00.001Z

What a disgrace. The refusal of Suarez to shake Evra's hand says it all. Whether the Uruguayan likes it or not, he was found guilty, not Evra, so if anybody was within his rights to decline a handshake, it was the Frenchman. By refusing to touch flesh with the "Little Negro", Suarez simply confirmed his hatred and opened himself to further allegations of racism.

But still worse is the conduct of Dalglish. I came out strongly against his original support for Suarez but he has plumbed new depths today. In a truly incredible show of "blind" support, Dalglish said, "I never knew Suarez refused to shake Evra's hand. I wasn't there, I never saw it. It's contrary to what I've been told." Where was he then? May I suggest he checks out the BBC site and watches the video evidence? Or takes the word of those who did see it?

Evra's reaction was unwise, but totally understandable in the circumstances. In fact, if I was Evra, I would say to camera, "I suspect he refused to shake my hand because I am, his his view, a nigger". Suarez has surely left the FA with no option other than to take further action. As Ferguson said, this could have sparked a riot. What it certainly did do is completely devalue the half hearted apology issued by Suarez after he was found guilty of the original offence.

The FA and Liverpool FC must now act. Suarez should be kicked out of English football, Liverpool should be fined for failing to control their players - note the push that Evra receives for reacting to Suarez's snub - and Dalglish should be sacked for endorsing the actions of Suarez throughout this disgusting affair. Terry has lost the England captaincy for much less; how can Dalglish be left in charge of a great club like Liverpool?

QPR's Day of Reckoning

2012-02-11T13:02:00.002Z

Well this is it: showdown day.

With QPR at Backburn and Bolton hosting Wigan, two relegation six pointers will unfold simultaneously, and if results go the wrong way - two 2-0 home victories would do it - the Hoops could find themselves second from bottom tonight. Should Fulham win at home to Stoke, they would then stand nine points clear of QPR, leaving West Brom as the only other team in danger of being sucked into the relegation quagmire. Of course, to keep them in range, Rangers would need the Baggies to lose tomorrow, which would mean three points for Wolves!

Alternatively, victories for QPR, Wigan and Stoke would see the Hoops gulp down a lung full of the oxygen of survival.

With no West Ham game today, I will be focused on events at Ewood Park, rooting for the Rangers - but with Rovers needing the victory and Hughes possibly happy with a point, I fear it could all go tits up, with Blackburn scoring a late, late winner. Time will tell.

Hell has frozen over!

2012-02-11T10:29:00.002Z

Doctor Evil will not be happy. The last thing he needed was for a winnable game at Peterborough to be frozen off today, giving the opportunity to others to close up on our heels.

The postponement also prolongs Nolan's absence, in terms of days if not games. The worry is that this will see him return even less mobile than before, out of condition because of a mid season break.

Any positives? It gives the new boys more time to press their claims for selection. It also means Nolan's third enforced absence will be a home fixture against Palace - and who knows, Allardyce may pick two forwards! Perish the thought!

It's now three make or break fixtures in a row: Southampton at home, Blackpool away and Palace at home. By the time those games are out of the way, we could be clear at the top or buried in the chasing pack. Quite a time for Captain Kev to be sitting on his arse. But there's many of us who suspect that may prove to be an advantage!

Taylor for Nolan, Otherwise No Change

2012-02-10T23:25:00.001Z

What's the betting that Taylor replaces Nolan, with Collison moved inside and Taylor playing wide on the left? After the battling result against Millwall, Doctor Evil will be thinking "more of the same" and will see no reason to change a winning formula.

Those hoping for 4-4-2, with the introduction of either Maynard, Baldock or Vaz Te coming in for the suspended Nolan, have no idea of what makes Allardyce tick. I suppose there's an outside chance of Vaz Te being used on the left, with Taylor playing inside, but that feels too daring given we are playing the mighty Posh.

Expect to see Tomkins in the holding role again. He was more mobile and creative than Diop, offered more in terms of defensive cover, and Noble enjoyed playing with him. And Reid and Faye did enough to get another start together.

The team still doesn't scream goals, but 1-0 would suit Allardyce down to the ground! Expect:

Green

O'Brien Faye Reid McCartney

Tomkins

Noble Collison

Faubert Taylor

Cole

Is Redknapp really the best man for the job?

2012-02-10T21:59:00.002Z

The 'Arry bandwagon is certainly bashing out a rallying anthem but is the illiterate tax invader really the best man for the job? Yes he is a cheeky chappie and has had a few good seasons at Spurs, but apart from that, what has he done?

True there was an FA Cup win with Portsmouth, but they were bloody lucky in the Man Utd game en route to Wembley; and even Avram Grant took Pompey to the final - beating 'Arry's Spurs in the semifinal!

Redknapp's record actually screams mediocrity. I know a few Spurs fans, and although they are now desperate to keep hold of him, not many wanted Redknapp when he was appointed to replace Oneday Ramos. He wasn't seen as a master tactician back then and most saw him as a stop gap, until a bigger name could be tempted to the Lane.

Since then, 'Arry's stock has risen, but Tottenham's success is primarily down to Bale and Van der Vaart. 'Arry didn't sign the former, and only stumbled on the latter when his price was chopped down to the same figure that 'Arry wanted to pay for Parker. Yes Spurs are doing brilliantly this season, but they missed out on the Champions League last season and are benefiting this from the decline of Chelsea and Arsenal. Oneday failed at Spurs but won a trophy; thus far, 'Arry has won nothing at Tottenham, apart from a trial for alleged tax evasion.

But if not 'Arry then who? Pardew's claims are even thinner than Redknapp's. Woy has a good wecord, Liverpool apart, and would be a safe pair of hands. But what about Jose? Now he is a winner!

But my choice would be Guus Hiddink. This is a guy who led Holland and South Korea to World Cup semifinals, Russia to the semifinal of Euro 2008, and Australia to their best ever World Cup finish. His record at Chelsea was phenomenal, losing only one game after replacing Scolari, and losing out unfairly to Barcelona in the semifinal of the Champions League.

Unlike Capello, he speaks perfect English; and unlike Arry, he has international experience and is available. It is a no brainer when you think about it.

Allardyce Turns Down England Job

2012-02-10T17:19:00.004Z

Well that's big of him. The job hasn't been offered, of course, but Old Big 'Ead has come out and announced that he isn't interested in the job. Nothing like heading off a sleight eh?

On that basis, I'm dropping a line through to Keira Knightley turning down an invitation to a threesome with Uma Thurman!

Allardyce has a problem with the England badge apparently: Three Lions speaks volumes about unnecessary complication; why use three short lions when one long lion would suffice?

No rubbish collection in Doncaster

2012-02-09T22:43:00.001Z

No, it's not the beginning of a new winter of discontent, it's just that Doncaster are not signing Piquionne on loan after all.

Not that it matters that much. They would only have been paying a fraction of the Frenchman's wages - just like they did with Ilunga.

And talking of Herita, he hasn't found himself a new club yet. I wonder how much we had to pay him to settle his contract?

Blackburn's Yakubu Hungry to Feed on QPR

2012-02-09T20:19:00.001Z

Typical! Cisse collects a red and rules himself out of a six pointer to end all six pointers, and meanwhile Yakubu has served his time and returns rested and hungry for the loser takes nothing showdown with QPR.

Anything less than 3 points would represent disaster for Rovers and would surely drive a nail into their relegation coffin, but QPR may well fall foul of playing for a draw. An away point, maintaining a three point buffer over Blackburn, may be seen as a reasonable result, whilst terror of losing may encourage a safety first approach by Hughes and his charges.

There's talk of using Taraabt in a more advanced role, but there has to be a question mark over both the guy's ability to perform at this level and his commitment. When the going gets tough, Taraabt may well go missing.

Meanwhile, QPR remain vulnerable at the back and the clever money will be on Rovers to net a couple. The big question, therefore, is whether Rangers can reply in kind? A repeat of the 2-1 defeat to Wolves would spell disaster for the Hoops but, if pressed, that would be my prediction.

Tottenham's 'Arry Applies For England Job!

2012-02-09T11:51:00.001Z

deer mr bernie stein

i was finking i mite be intrestd in the engerland job. u wuld be lukey to get me so i have some conditions.

first of i want to be paid for players i develop and bring thru. it strikes me that an engerland cap increasis a players value so i reckon a payment of a milyon quid for each first cap would be in order paid by the lukey club whoos players i pik. i want this money paid to my pet dog rosie in monaco as she has a lifestyle to keep up.

i also fink this rule on piking engerlish born players is a bit stupid. look at the engerland cricket team. they are packed with africans and r the best team in the world aint they? so i want free reign to pik who i want and i want a cut of any fee paid to transfer a player from anuver cuntry to ours. i have a mate in imigrashun who can do the paper work so we can wangle the passport issue with a few back anders to oil the gears.

i also want my son to ave a job of some sort and i fink is wife could do eurovision for us dont u? an i want er majesty to talk to er revenue and warn em of. no more investigashuns no mater what.

im appy with five milyon a year paid to me, a milyon pade to rosie and the milyon per new cap to go to rosie to.

so when do i start?

Arry.

Capello's Gone! Come On Down Trevor Brooking!

2012-02-08T20:17:00.000Z

Just as I predicted yesterday, Capello has gone.

http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.com/2012/02/brooking-to-replace-capello-as-england.html

I predicted it, but I'm still in a state of shock! For once the FA have got something right. Great in qualification but nobody really wanted him in charge for the Finals. Well nobody except John Terry!

So now for the next part of the prediction: Brooking in as General Manager with Pearce as Head Coach.

Thought Police on Morrison's Tail - Now no, no, now stop it!

2012-02-08T18:23:00.001Z

Ooh Missus, I titter you not, don't laugh, but Ravel is in trouble with the Thought Police already and is being investigated for alleged homophobic abuse on his Twatter account. Now no, no stop it, not on your nelly, no don't, oh please yourself and whatever other Frankie Howerd catchphrases you can come up with. Now no, stop it! Not like that! When I said 'come up with' I meant...oh please yourself then!

The world is going mad. Now I'm sure Ravel is a thoroughly nasty piece of work, but honestly, in the middle of a spat on Twatter, he called somebody a faggot. Big bloody deal! He's a teenager for pity's sake. Teenagers call each other gay all the time. Teenagers say "That's gay!" Teenagers make homophobic jibes on a regular basis. It's not great that they do it, but they do it, just as we did it when we were young. So bloody what?

Did Morrison incite hatred? Was he encouraging somebody to go out "gay bashing"? Were his comments even targeted at a homosexual? I don't think so. This is what he said: "Crack head? Go suck out u little f****t your a guy that talks if u see me you try slap me I'm in manchester every week."

Now I would charge him for grammar abuse and, as his employer, I would be concerned about what sounds like an invitation to a fight, but, as with Terry's angry words to Anton, the politically correct lobby are blowing things out of all proportion, and the authorities are jumping through their hoops to order.

This is mad. This is 1984 in virtual reality! So what if Morrison doesn't like homosexuals and homosexuality? Nor does the Pope - well officially anyway! I don't agree with Morrison or the Pope, but it's not my right to stop Morrison from expressing his opinion. This is a free country but you wouldn't know it. An insult aimed in anger at an individual is not an insult aimed at an entire community / race / gender group etcetera - unless somebody CHOOSES to interpret it in that way. Yes, Morrison sees homosexuality as an insult but big deal, many of us regard Spud as an insult. How long before Action on Behalf of Single Mothers refers somebody to the police for using the word "Bastard" as an insult? How long before somebody is on a racist charge for saying "This is a black day for the country"? How long before Brains are closed down for selling faggots?

Dear God, look at the insults I collect on here! Does it hurt me? Do I care? No. Why? Because I am a big boy and I feel contempt for those making the comments. Surely that is the way forward!

But I must go now, my mate Everard has just asked me to shut that door. Anybody want to chase me? Come on lovely boys, let's be 'aving' you! Are you free Mr Humphries? What's that Mr Lah-De-Dah Graham? Hello Honky Tonk!

I know we have moved on but honestly, there was once a time when we were allowed to laugh!

Twelve Manilla Envelopes Good & True

2012-02-08T16:26:00.001Z

Sorry this has to be brief, I'm just popping over to Monaco to open a bank account in my dog's name and to arrange for all income to be paid in with no tax deductions. It's all perfectly legal apparently, providing you claim you have forgotten about the account and you can't reed and rite proper like.

Brooking to replace Capello as England Manager for European Championships

2012-02-07T23:41:00.001Z

With the perfect storm gathering around Capello following his backing of John Terry and criticism of the FA's decision to stand him down from the captaincy, West Ham legend Sir Trevor Brooking is set to step into the breach and, with another former Hammer, Stuart Pearce, as his assistant, looks likely to lead England into the European Championships.

Capello may yet back down, but with the press after his blood and the Italian due to step aside after the tournament anyway, the FA may decide that termination of his expensive contract for disciplinary reasons is the best solution all round.

With 'Arry embroiled in Tottenham's title bid and a tax evasion trial, the FA look set to turn to the archetypal Mr Safe Pair of Hands and offer Brooking the opportunity to follow former manager Ron Greenwood into the England job. His management experience is limited but there are no other stand out candidates pressing their claims and Brooking can at least be trusted to behave himself and not embarrass the nation. By pairing him with Pearce, the FA will hope to achieve the ideal balance of temperance and passion.

Will it work? Like Brooking, I'm going to sit on the fence on this one.

Birmingham now the big threat

2012-02-07T22:52:00.004Z

So Birmingham are now up to third, sitting on the shoulder of Southampton and just 6 points behind ourselves. Given all that has happened at the club, Hughton has done a fabulous job. Whilst Allardyce had the luxury of buying Nolan for £4m, Hughton has had to cope with asset stripping of his squad, with very little money to bring in new recruits.

Tonight's victory over Pompey was narrow but Birmingham are comfortably top of the current form league and pose a real threat. We really could do with Barnsley turning them over on Saturday!

QPR Busy Talking Themselves Down!

2012-02-07T22:20:00.001Z

First Fernandes said he would remain chairman even if the club went down, and now Beard has come out and said the project will not be derailed by relegation. He does, of course, insist that the priority is staying up, but the R word was nevertheless used again. Why?

Of course the Rs will be reassured by all the positive stuff about the future, but it really can't be doing morale in the camp much good to have both the chairman and the chief executive talking about the possibility of relegation. Why not simply talk up the plans for the future without adding, even if we do go down?

It really does seem to be squeaky bum time at QPR, and when you're deep in the Bush, that's the last thing you need!

Ex West Ham & QPR Striker Calls For Terry To Be Dropped

2012-02-07T21:51:00.002Z

Former Hammer and Hoops striker Leroy Rosenior has joined the John Terry lynch mob, calling on Radio 5 Live for Terry to be dropped from the England squad for the sake of unity. Now I'm not sure if it is the Rangers connection which has inspired this, or if the debate is now dividing down race lines, but I consider Rosenior's comments to be out of order. Capello wanted to retain Terry as captain, so he certainly values him as a player. Why should he be dropped on the basis of unproven allegations exactly?

Meanwhile the hacks seem intent on driving a wedge between Capello and the FA. I thought his comments were spot on personally, and if he was not consulted ahead of the decision to stand Terry down from the captaincy then he unquestionably had the right to voice his objections. He is the coach / manager and all matters relating to the team should be down to him alone. Can you imagine the Man Utd board sacking Ferguson's selected captain against his wishes? There would be hell to pay! But the Press are coming over all sanctimonious and high and mighty, claiming Capello is in breach of contract and insisting he should resign if he doesn't like it.

So once again, as a major tournament approaches, the press are stirring things up, doing their level best to undermine the manager and derail the campaign. Why? Because it sells bloody newspapers of course! Who cares about the national team when there's huge issues like name calling at stake? What a farce!

A new Faubert or a brilliant blip in a career of mediocrity?

2012-02-06T23:09:00.003Z

He arrived labelled the TGV but was derailed by injury in no time and his career hit the buffers. Zola came up with the wizard wheeze of playing him as a right back and Grant couldn't understand it was a joke and persisted with the folly.

Then along came Sam with 4-3-3 and Faubert played as an advanced midfielder. But the guy looked hopeless: no pace, no anticipation, no final ball, no composure in front of goal. Right back, right wing, both amounted to the same thing: less Faubert, more Faux Pas.

And then along came Millwall!

God knows what they put in his tea before the game, but whatever it was, I want some! Faubert played like a man possessed, up and down the right flank, breaking forward, tracking back, and even bursting into the box. True he missed a goodish chance and failed to throw himself in where it hurts to connect with a first half cross, but let's not quibble - this was a new, animated, inspired model, this was a new Faubert.

People are asking if this was his best game of the season. Stupid question! This was the best game of his career and he so nearly capped it all with a goal, a delicious header rebounding off the bar. Much more of this and Real Madrid will want him back again!

I have been a vociferous critic of Faubert, so it's only fair that I pay tribute now. Will he keep it up? Has the frog turned into a handsome prince? Let's see!

Piquionne to Doncaster

2012-02-06T20:59:00.001Z

Really? After they took Ilunga? Will Doncaster really do us a favour by relieving us of the services of Piquionne too?

He would fit in perfectly up there. The whole place is a dump so he can fly tip where ever he likes with immunity.

By the way, talking of rubbish, where is Ilunga now?

Super Bowl Super Farce!

2012-02-06T20:29:00.002Z

I didn't see it. I know nothing about the sport. I've tried watching it and hated it. But even I can understand the farcical nature of the winning score, with the conceding team allowing the opponent to touch down unchallenged and the scorer himself desperately trying NOT to score - and falling on his arse in the process!

Freddie the Fly Tipper should change codes!

Follow the link for an explanation of the bizarre events.
http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/06022012/58/nfl-patriots-giants-score-winning-touchdown.html

QPR Players to Refuse to Play for Racist Supporting Fabio Capello

2012-02-06T17:58:00.001Z

Ho, ho, ho. The plot thickens. I posted my views on the stripping of the captaincy from John Terry and was greeted with the usual knee jerk cobblers from the gRs, calling me a racist for holding the opinion that Terry is innocent until proven guilty.

Well now Capello has come out and said it too. So that, presumably, makes the England manager a racist too. That explains why he picks Bent and Young and Rio and Ashley Cole and Glenn Johnson and Uncle Tom et all.

Presumably Rio will now refuse to play for England as long as Capello is in charge, and all the other black players will join the boycott, forcing the FA to change the manager. What choice do they have in the light of Capello's naked racism? How can they play for a man who supports the principles of British justice and who believes in the fundamental principle of presumed innocence until guilt is proven?

For everybody must understand by now that different rules apply here. John Terry is whiteish and Anton Ferdinand is blackish, so the principles of British justice do not apply. No, this case is ipso facto. Now guilt is presumed and innocence has to be proven. This is photo-negative British justice!

And meanwhile, just as they united behind Anton in refusing to shake Terry's hand, so the QPR players must now show solidarity by refusing to play for England for as long as Capello is in charge. Except Barton of course, Barton doesn't care.

In fact, there's the perfect solution! Strip Terry of the captaincy and give the armband to Barton, the brother of a guy who committed racially motivated murder! In this crazy bloody world, that makes perfect sense!

QPR's Fernandes Planning for Relegation

2012-02-05T20:49:00.002Z

Apparently QPR fans should be delighted that Tony Fernandes has twattered that he will stay on as Chairman if the club are relegated. Personally, I don't see why that would be a cause for celebration. Let's face it, what choice would he have? The value of his investment would plummet and there would only be two ways of recovering his money: either asset stripping, or getting the Hoops back into the Prem before he sells.

So, rather than be delighted, the Rs should be concerned that their Chairman is making noises about going down. I'm sure Hughes doesn't want to hear Fernandes talking about relegation on the back of one bad defeat. QPR are still two places above the drop zone for pity's sake, and Blackburn and Wigan are both playing like drains. It's true that Bolton and Wolves are putting up a bit of a fight, but after signing Cisse and Zamora, not to mention the others, the Hoops should have enough to stay up - even with Anton and Nedum paired together in the centre of the defence.

The next two games against Blackburn and Fulham are huge. Everybody at the club needs to be focused on staying up so Fernandes is not helping by twattering about going down. Who knows, perhaps Joey will hit his keypad and put him right over the next 24 hours!

Have West Ham bought another Portugese pup?

2012-02-05T20:16:00.001Z

To be fair, Vaz Te looked lively in his brief appearance as a substitute against Millwall, but it was worrying to hear the Barnsley manager say that "anybody could have had him in the summer and nobody wanted him". Nevertheless, on the basis of half a season, the Bolton, Hull, Panionios and Hibernian reject has been "snapped up" by West Ham and given a two and a half year contract. Is this wise?

This has the stamp of a typical David Sullivan deal. The guy is cheap and available, so let's sign him. We've seen how well that works - Ilan, Mido, McCarthy, Piquionne, Carew...need we go on?

The guy has a record of failure and a track record of injuries - like so many that we sign. Will Vaz Te do a job this season? Maybe. Will he cut it in the Prem? Unlikely.

Let's hope the contract is modest so, if we need to offload him, we can. How many players exactly will be grazing in the West Ham pasture next season, with no chance of ever playing but picking up a very nice salary regardless?

Freddie Sears out in the cold

2012-02-05T18:09:00.004Z

Where now for Freddie Sears? The arrival of Vaz Te, Maynard and Morrison has reduced his chances of playing again this season to virtually zero. With Allardyce unable to find a place for a keeper on the bench - even when Lansbury isn't getting splinters in his arse - poor Freddie doesn't stand much chance of appearing as a sub, never mind of starting.

Presumably attempts were made to offload him in the window, but like so many, he was awarded an inflated contract under Duxbury. Now he either takes a massive wage cut or rots in the reserves.

It's odd the way his career just goes further and further into reverse. When we were in the Prem , Freddie was deemed good enough for the Championship. True he couldn't score - although how damaging that disallowed goal for Palace has proved we will never know - but he was considered worthy of starting. Now, even the Championship seems above him. He looks all at sea every time he plays, a player short of confidence and sadly low on ability.

Will anybody take him on loan? Let's hope so. Maybe a couple of months in the bottom division, banging in goals, would rehabilitate him. But at the moment, he might as well be a snowman for all he offers when on the pitch.

Sad. Very sad.

Tottenham, West Ham & QPR to set up free schools

2012-02-05T12:02:00.008Z

With the government encouraging football clubs to set up free schools - addressing disaffection by linking learning with football idols - a number of London clubs are planning to join the education revolution.

Tottenham's plans are most advanced with a curriculum already agreed in principle and key workers allocated to teaching roles. Manager 'Arry Redknapp will teach "Reeding and Riting", "Effics", "Law" and "Acuntancy", Jermaine Defoe has been given the RE brief, with special focus on the role of Judas, and Gareth Bale, of course, is the identified Head of Science, modelling evolution in the classroom.

Over at West Ham, an all girls school is planned, with limited places for specially endowed males. Female students will be taught about the importance of vital statistics, will be assessed orally on a daily basis and will specialise on spread sheets. Maths lessons will focus how two, three and even four can go into one, and there will be a strong emphasis on analysis in all classrooms. In the proposed off shoot schools in Norwich and Ipswich, this will become "Analsis". Captain Kevin Nolan will deliver a course on the importance of leisure and the conservation of energy. Plans to launch the Academy in a new state of the art building are being considered, but erecting portacabins on the playground of an existing Newham school is now thought to be the preferred option.

The QPR school, meanwhile, will specialise on multiculturalism in the UK. The word "black" will be banned from all lessons, but "white" boards will also be rejected. A spokesman explained, "Anything that differentiates between black and white must be regarded as anathema." Captain Joey Barton will head up the English and Philosophy departments and will offer courses on cage fighting as part of the PE program of study. A special emphasis will be placed on gravity in Science lessons, under the slogan of "What goes up must come down". Unfortunately, the club are struggling to find a site for the proposed new school but Tony Fernandes can't stop talking about the project regardless.

A spokesman for Millwall explained that they have no plans for a school but consideration is being given to opening a zoo.

Allardyce Defends Nolan

2012-02-05T00:03:00.002Z

So according to Doctor Evil, Captain Kev was unlucky to see red against Millwall - well he's not going to admit that his pet player behaved like a complete cnut is he?

According to Allardyce, the tackle was not "endangering the opposition player" and was not "out of control" or "with velocity". Bollocks. As I saw it, I flinched and said, "He's off!" It was a disgraceful tackle, and Nolan is not a stranger to those is he? Remember the foul on Zigic anybody?

The truth is, Nolan has a very, very nasty side to him and his tackling is not just reckless, it is brutal and sinister. Take a look at the pictures and, with today's challenge in mind and the rake on Zigic, tell me this is not a hatchet man!

Leicester Lose Even More Ground

2012-02-04T20:25:00.001Z

Two players off and defeat to a late, late goal - the Leicester horror show under Pearson continues. The Foxes are now seven points behind Pearson's former club Hull, and the Tigers also have a game in hand. Much more of this and, in the words of the XTC song, the Board will soon be making plans for Nigel - showing him out of the same door that Sven was invited to use.

With Southampton's draw, Leicester are now 13 points adrift of an automatic promotion place and a massive 17 points behind ourselves. Even if we were to average just a point a game for the rest of the season, Leicester would need to collect 34 points from 17 games to catch us. And that is Sam's formula to win the title! We can, therefore, effectively dismiss pre season favourites Leicester as a threat.

The main dangers, Southampton apart, now appear to be Blackpool, Cardiff and Birmingham, with the Blues the biggest danger of those three because of their game in hand. Win that and they will be just 6 points behind us with a superior goal difference. Credit to Chris Hughton here. I didn't want him as our manager but he has done a fabulous job so far this season.

We still have a cushion at the top despite playing poorly for two months now. The hope is that Vaz Te, Morrison, Maynard and a rehabilitated Taylor will freshen us up and prompt a spurt for the finishing line. It will certainly be interesting to see how we cope without cruising Kevin Nolan!

Thank you Blackpool and Wurzel Holloway!

2012-02-04T18:42:00.002Z

Just seen that Blackpool turned over Cardiff in today's game! Perfect! Fingers crossed that the Birmingham and Southampton game ends up as a draw too. Birmingham have been on a great run and we could do with them missing out on home points whilst keeping a nice buffer between ourselves and the Saints at the top.

Let's hope that Wembley is already on the minds of the Cardiff players! I'd love 'em to turn over Liverpool in the Final, just as Birmingham turned over Arsenal, and lose out on the Prem as a result!

QPR Savaged By Wolves

2012-02-04T18:17:00.001Z

Oops, that didn't go according to the script did it? At half time on Wednesday, the Rs were reckoning on having 26 points tonight, with Premiership survival looking like a probability. Instead, the Hoops are languishing on 21 points, having thrown away a two goal lead against Villa and a goal advantage against Wolves. The next two games are now huge: Blackburn away and Fulham at home simply must yield a minimum of four points. Lose at Blackburn and draw against Fulham, and the Hughes bubble will be well and truly burst.

Warnock must be sniggering. His QPR beat Wolves 3-0 and defeated Chelsea at home 1-0. Hughes comes in and both results are reversed despite investment in new players. Not what Doctor Fernandes ordered!

And, of course, Cisse is now banned. All that money for him to collect a stupid red card after his traditional debut goal. The trouble is, Cisse has regularly started with a bang but ended with a whimper.

I did warn that Wolves did a number on West Ham a couple of seasons back, and Jarvis and Doyle were stars on that night too. This will be a massive boost for Wolves and will provoke anxiety in the ranks of the Hoops. Just as I warned, it is all very well having a good forward line, but you need a strong defence in the Prem too - and Ferdinand and Nedum leave a lot to be desired as a centre back pairing: both need a leader alongside them. There's a certain irony in rumoured QPR target Bassong being in gold today, but he is in the same category as the QPR boys, ordinary at best.

So, QPR's Premiership survival could hinge on the next couple of games. It is frightening that only 2 of 11 home games have been won - and they were against a team reduced to 9 men (who dominated the second half) and bottom placed Wigan. Both Blackburn and Fulham will be keen (excuse the pun) to make a point against their former manager and big questions will be asked of Sparky if the Hoops blow their lines in the next two contests.

West Ham 2 Millwall 1 - Nolan sent off, so starting line up unchanged

2012-02-04T16:16:00.003Z

To begin, the line up looked perverse. Why bring in Vaz Te, Maynard and Morrison and then start with a team that has no width and screams negativity? To be fair, Tomkins played superbly in the holding midfield role and Faubert had his best ever game for the club, but it was no surprise to see Millwall seize the initiative from the start. By the time Nolan was sent off, the possession percentage was 60:40 in Millwall's favour. Brilliant! Allardyce really fired them up after that 5-1 midweek thrashing!

Nolan deserved his red card. The tackle was shocking, a real leg breaker had he connected mid way up the shin or full on the ankle. It was a ridiculous challenge. Not that it mattered. Nolan has been a passenger for most of the season and the team simply continued as if he was there - or wasn't there, because as this game showed, he offers so little beyond gobbing off.

In fact without Nolan we played better. The passing through midfield was some of the best I have seen this season, until we reverted to the long lump up to Cole. But a man short, the long ball out was more justified. Offensively and defensively, Faubert was superb. He narrowly failed to get on to a McCartney cross in the first half and he was up and down the right flank all afternoon. His header against the bar early in the second half deserved a goal. The McCartney cross was superb and Faubert's movement - amazingly - and the header - even more amazingly - were fantastic. In fact, and I am pinching myself here, Faubert's movement in the second half was little short of sensational. He actually read the game! And he changed codes superbly for the Reid winner.

Cole's header for his goal was superb too. He bent his neck back and got real power on the ball after Reid stood it up from Noble's free kick. And the Reid finish was fantastic. I was expecting the referee's whistle from the moment Faubert took Forde out of the game, but Reid didn't care, he just drove it like a Tiger Woods drive on a long Par 3. Hard and straight, right down the middle.

Vaz Te came on and looked lively and Taylor edged himself back closer to full functioning capacity. We need his set pieces. Sadly Collison is looking more ordinary by the game. Another Academy Nearly Man perhaps.

The Millwall goal was a mess with Del Boy Trotter driving home beautifully after Faye played the Plonker Rodney role to perfection, dwelling on the ball in his own six yard box. What a dipstick. But he was good apart from that! The best thing you can say about the whole performance is that you wouldn't have known we were down to ten men. But then with Nolan on the pitch, we are effectively starting each game with 10 men anyway!

Player Ratings: Green 5 (Another kicking error), O'Brien 6 (one lovely shot just over), Faye 6, Reid 7, McCartney 7, Tomkins 8 (superb in the holding role), Noble 8 (tigerish in the tackle and a lovely range of passing), Faubert 9, Collison 5, Nolan 0 Cole 8 Subs Taylor 6 Vaz Te 6 O'Neil 5

West Ham v Millwall - Just Another Game!

2012-02-04T10:56:00.003Z

So what? It's just another game. A game between two average teams playing average football. Perspective is needed. The points are important to both teams, but the points were just as important in midweek and will be just as important in the next game.

The media is trying to suggest something different of course. And so are the message boards. And there will be those who drag their knuckles along the ground when they walk who believe all that crap in Green Street. But I like Danny Baker, and he's the only Millwall fan I "know" and I'm sure 95% of them are decent people, like 95% of our fans.

How I hope that both sets of fans conduct themselves decently, spoiling the day for News International, who, like the agent provocateurs in Egypt, would love a bloodbath. The eyes of the world are focused on the Boleyn. Let's show them how football is played for a change!

And let's pray, after Tuesday, that Allardyce picks the new boys!

My preferred team:

Green

O'Brien (or Demel) Faye, Tomkins, Taylor

Collison Noble

Nolan

Morrison Vaz Te

Maynard

QPR's Ferdinand Controversy Screws Up England's Euros Bid

2012-02-03T17:07:00.007Z

So whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? If I was John Terry, I would tell the Football Association where to stuff their England shirt. IF the guy is guilty, then fair enough, punish him, but we have this rather quaint notion that people are innocent until proven guilty in this country, irrespective of your colour or the colour of your alleged victim.

How odd is it that Chris Huhne will remain an MP until his trial whilst Terry has been sacked? What's the more serious offence, perverting the course of justice or insulting an individual in the midst of an argument? True Huhne has resigned from his position as the Energy Secretary, but that was his decision, and if he was assisted in arriving at that decision, at least he was afforded the dignity to tender a resignation rather than being publicly sacked. No such courtesy seems to have been extended to Terry.

This is the second time Terry has been stripped of the captaincy and this time Capello is definitely not behind the decision. Who replaces Terry? Ferdinand isn't even worth a place in the team and has said he doesn't want the job. But he had to didn't he? Otherwise there would have been a huge question mark over the motivation of Brother Anton. As it is, the Ferdinands are content with knifing Terry in revenge for him replacing Rio.

So if not Rio, then who? Gerrard? What a great captain he has been for Liverpool! How long is it since they won anything? Imagine him delivering a motivational speech in the dressing room.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Sorry Steve, we have to start the second half! Anyway, Stevie might not start, even if he is fit for selection.

Parker? Barry has been preferred to wear the armband by Capello and Upson was considered a better captain than Scottie by both Zola and Grant.

So Barry? Or Lampard? That means they have to start! Rooney? No captain for the first two games!

All this because Anton shat his pants over an insult and somebody who hates Terry, because of who he plays for, made it an issue! This is trial by lynch mob!

Five Hammers Sacked - but Piquionne & Carew still on payroll!

2012-02-02T23:53:00.002Z

Ask West Ham fans to nominate two players who should be sacked and most would nominate at least one of Freddie the Flytipper or John Carew, especially after the signing of Vaz Te and Maynard. But no, both remain at the club, drawing more pension in a week than ten nurses will draw in a year.

Ilunga has gone, of course, but the names of four others have not hit the headlines. Academy prospects Matt Fry, Jordan Brown, Ahmed Abdulla and Sergio Sanchez have all been told to go forth and multiply. It seems that the Academy is stalling. This generation has been a huge disappointment. Sears was the new Tony Cottee for a handful of games. Hines was the new Defoe for a match or two. Stanislas was going to be the black Devonshire. Jordan Brown was much lauded not so long ago. And so it goes on.

True Tomkins has made the grade but with the signing of Morrison, it looks as if we are trying to buy an Academy these days. Mind you, with Ravel and Vose on the books, they might rename the Academy the "Young Offenders Institution" soon!

It's disappointing but there's no point in keeping the chaff, as Freddie Parrot Face Sears shows. Hines and Stanislas are not pulling up any trees at Burnley and are any of us surprised? How long will it be before Nouble and Montano are sent packing too?

Subs bench for Saturday

2012-02-02T20:34:00.001Z

Carew, Piquionne, Baldock, Cole and Hall?

How many forwards does Allardyce need exactly?

QPR Blow Two Points

2012-02-02T18:37:00.001Z

What a shame. Two goals up, Villa playing like drains, Cisse boosted by a fabulous opening goal - QPR were all set to launch their charge to safety. Then, second half, it all went wrong.

Mind you, a point at Villa Park is not to be sniffed at, and with Wolves hammered by Liverpool and Blackburn going down at home, the one point secured could prove to be gold dust come the end of the season.

That defence still needs sorting, of course. Taiwodee and TweedleNedumber both made their debuts but goal shy Villa still managed to put two in the onion bag. That must be a worry for Hughes, and it is too late to go shopping now. Look at the QPR subs bench and it doesn't scream quality. Of course Zamora will improve things and so will the new African, but neither will improve things at the back.

When Rangers were linked with Tomkins, I said he was the wrong player for the circumstances and the same applies to Nedum. Alex would have fitted the bill but he was never going to join. What is needed at the back is a leader, somebody to captain the defence, a rock, a no nonsense, hit them hard, out and out defender. Is that Nedum? I don't think so.

Hughes has done a brilliant job in bolstering the attack, and you have to score goals to stay in the Prem. But you also have to be able to hold on to a lead too and the game at Villa points, perhaps, to the Achilles heel. Ferdinand and Nedum as a pairing? It doesn't inspire confidence. Better than Ferdinand and Gabbidon, unquestionably, but not exactly the Aswan Dam when in comes to holding back a flood!

The Wolves game is, of course, huge. Both teams are far stronger going forward than they are at keeping the opposition in check. Two seasons back, Wolves came to Upton Park for a six pointer and wiped the floor with us, running out 3-1 winners. My money was on West Ham that night but I sat in the Bobby Moore Upper watching us play like eleven Midos and saw Wolves in gold performing like Brazilians. My money is again on Wolves to lose at the weekend, but then I had a fiver on QPR to win the Cup! Basically, with my track record, the gRs should be encouraging me to back Wolves!

The trouble is, I really like Zammo, so I am now desperate for QPR to win and stay up!

Will Morrison's Career UnRavel At Upton Park?

2012-02-02T17:22:00.003Z

Sorry about the headline but the pun was irresistible. On paper it looks a fantastic deal. £650,000 upfront is chicken feed in the big scheme of things, and apparently the wages are not that huge if the "wonderkid" doesn't perform to expectations. If the fee does rise to closer to £3m then great, that means the boy has developed and has international caps to his name.

But there is a but of course. First off, Ferguson doesn't make many mistakes when all is said and done. Name me a player who has gone on to greater things after Fergie waved him goodbye. Luke Chadwick? Nicky Butt? Carlos Tevez? Chris Eagles? It's difficult isn't it? I suppose Beckham may claim to have proved a point after moving to Real Madrid. And regret was expressed over the sale of Jaap Stam. And Phil Neville has prospered at Everton. And I bet Ferguson would rather have Howard between the sticks. But has he let any young nuggets go? I'm struggling to think of any. Most are retained too long, just in case, like Gibson. Ferguson is a Scot when all is said and done, and Scots don't give anything away, apart from university education and prescription medication at a cost to the English taxpayer!

Then there is Ravel himself. This boy isn't just bad, he is nasty. Let's face it, there's been a few footballers done for knocking the wife or girlfriend about, but I've never known one to lay in to his own mother. How screwed up in the head do you have to be to do that?

And now he is down in London, with a Manc accent presumably, and staying in a hotel in East London. It's a bloody recipe for disaster if you think about it! How long before he bumps into a John Terry, gets called a f*****g black c**t, and takes immediate retribution? How long before an Essex tart sells her story "How Ravel Ravished Me?" to the Sunday Mirror? How long before a girl is blazoned all over the front page of The Sun with two black eyes? Let's face it, there's a lot of money to be made from a loony young footballer. More reasons to shop at Morrisons as they say on the adverts!

I'm not criticising the deal itself, but I think it wise to exercise caution. Yes, we could reflect back in years to come with the same level of amazement as we felt when it was announced that Tevez and Mascherano had joined us. But that deal didn't exactly go to plan, did it?

One for the future, perhaps. Or one for the rubbish heap. Only time will tell. And meantime, Allardyce is looking to "develop" him! "OK son, so I've seen all the fancy stuff and you can cut that out for a start. See that ball? Now show me just how hard and far you can kick it!"

Allardyce should have gone to Spec Savers

2012-02-01T18:26:00.001Z

What a great big oaf. According to Allardyce, he "didn't see last night's result coming". So what team has he been watching play since the beginning of December exactly? Not the same West Ham I have been watching!

Was he at Reading? I was. And we were crap. Truly, truly crap. What about Portsmouth? Playing against 10 men and we stumbled over the finishing line with a penalty. What about against Forest? We could have been three goals down before Noble netted from a very dubious penalty award. What about against Coventry? That could easily have ended in a draw. What about the Derby game? Two goals behind in no time because the Rams, like Forest and Ipswich, "came out of the blocks quicker than us". Tell me, why were all these clubs allowed to seize the initiative?

That's easy to answer of course. Allardyce sets out to win a game attritionally. It is a safety first approach, based on allowing the opposition to burn themselves out and looking to snatch a goal over the course of 90 minutes. The trouble is, if a team seizes the initiative and scores early, you are buggered. As we were last night!

The new signings will hopefully help but - and this is a frightening thing to say - we missed Diop last night. Without a third centre back, we are just as frail through the middle as we ever were. Remember last year when we went to Newcastle and shipped five? Tell me, what's changed? Apart from the quality of the opposition, of course! At least Grant's team struggled against Premiership teams!

Last night's performance was disgraceful and humiliating. Allardyce is threatening to drop players - but he should look into the mirror if he wants to know who really is to blame. But was there any humility? Was there fcuk! He is an arrogant sod, convinced that there is only one way of operating, the Allardyce way!

I would love to know how many times we got the ball into Ipswich's box last night- the great measure of success according to Doctor Evil. Unfortunately for him, games are decided by the number of times the ball ends up in the back of the net!

Morrison, Maynard and Vaz Te! And boy do we need them!

2012-01-31T23:43:00.002Z

So that's it then, we couldn't get Jelovic so we upped the bid for Vaz Te. Maynard arrived as I predicted and the mystery man was Morrison.

Love the KUMB headline, no Tevez but Vaz Te. Very clever!

Don't know anything about Morrison except he is meant to have oodles of potential but a short fuse. Allegedly he has been arrested for thumping his Mum. Hope there's no truth in that! Has he got any pace, does he play wide, anybody know?

So, can these three transform a team that got thumped 5-1 at Ipswich tonight? Sadly none play in goal or at right back, left back or hold in midfield. There's still a problem with balance!

We are top of the Championship!

2012-01-31T22:22:00.002Z

Great news guys, Allardyce has transformed the club from top to bottom, producing a lean, mean cynical machine a world apart from the disorganised rabble put together by Zola and Grant. All he needed was time for the team to gel to show how brilliant he is as a manager, and now, six months into the season, we are seeing what a truly fantastic job he has done!

I read his article in the Evening Standard on Friday and was so impressed by Allardyce's confidence. There was no mention of how poorly we have been playing, no allusion to our inability to score from open play, no acknowledgement that the last two games had been won on the back of dubious penalties, and no reference to the fact that we struggled to beat two teams in the bottom three at home, and a ten man Pompey team in the last three games. Three wins is three wins. End of.

No, Allardyce was boasting about three consecutive wins and telling us how we were on course, how everything was going to plan and how we had chased down Southampton and overhauled them. Now it was just a case of living with the added pressure of staying top and of seeing out the season. Easy! Especially when you get the ball into the box more than any other team in the division!

So what that we lost 3-0 at Reading? So what that the only time we have scored twice in a game since the beginning of December we needed two dodgy penalties to do so? So what that we have looked crap every time we have taken the field over the last two months? We are top you mugs! We are on top! That's all that matters! Top! Top! Top! Top! Top!

By the way, can anybody tell me the result of the game at Ipswich tonight? Sorry, I've been busy.

QPR's Fernandes Opens His Wallet!

2012-01-31T22:00:00.003Z

Wow! Well it looks like I have to eat my words. Assuming that the Zamora and Cisse deals go through, Fernandes has come up trumps after all. And with Wolves and Wigan getting thumped as I write, it is hard to imagine that QPR won't now have the fire power to survive.

Of course all these new recruits have to gel and they may yet misfire but credit where credit is due, Fernandes has backed Hughes to the hilt and given the Hoops a real shot at staying up. If Hughes blows it from here, his reputation will be in tatters and Warnock will be laughing all the way to the benefit office.

So, apologies to Fernandes and to all you gRs for making you gnash your teeth every time this blog has hit your News Now board. But admit it, you've enjoyed it in a masochistic sort of way. And let's face it, to support QPR or West Ham, you have to be a masochist!

QPR signing no marks on the never never

2012-01-30T18:35:00.006Z

Odd isn't it? Mittal has all this money, Fernandes has let everybody believe that there is a huge transfer war chest available, but thus far, only £2.5m has been spent, and that is probably based on meeting Nedum's inflated wages over the next two years. As with Wright-Phillips and Barton, you'll probably find that no fee has actually been paid to the "selling" club. With relegation release clauses in place, Fernandes knows that should Rangers drop, he can offload at modest fees, recovering the money spent on wages.

Now Diakite is arriving on loan - and what's his first name? Samba! So that's the Samba that Fernandes was chasing! Not the £7m man at Blackburn but the freebie loan deal from Nancy!

But Cisse could be on his way too - on loan of course!

I predicted Fernandes would not spend more than £5m in this window and even that figure is looking toppy now. Nedum is ordinary, Teiwo is probably a spent force, Diakate probably isn't Premiership class and Cisse has been here and been stripped of the Premiership t shirt after scoring just 23 goals in 84 Premiership appearances. His 17 appearances for Lazio have yielded a grand total of one goal so far!

Now excuse me, but is this really what you gRs were expecting when you came on here telling me that QPR would buy their way to safety in this window? Check back on all the insults you have hurled in my direction; so far I have been proved absolutely right: you are in a relegation fight, just as I predicted; you have sacked Warnock, just as I predicted; and Fernandes has kept his money in his safe, just as I predicted. Tell me, how much will you get from TV revenue and prize money for playing in the Prem this season? A hell of a lot more than Fernandes has stumped up to fund transfers!

Says it all really doesn't it? I kept warning you, Fernandes is mugging you over! And before you say it guys, I have been warning that Sullivan and Gold are doing exactly the same at West Ham ever since they took charge!

PS, the wrong you're has been used in that picture! Bloody morons everywhere it seems!

West Ham's New Ilan - We are 100% Underwhelmed!

2012-01-30T18:09:00.002Z

Oh dear God. After all the talk, after all the rumours of £5m bids, we end up with a no mark journeyman who has toured the world in his caravan, desperate for a club to let him settle. The guy has obviously read about Dale Farm and heard that West Ham are the nearest club able to pay more than a grand a week in benefits.

To date Ze Eduardo has had FIFTEEN clubs. That's right, FIFTEEN! And he's been shown the door by all of them!

Sullivan and Gold are taking the piss here. And so is Allardyce.Since 2009 the bloke has netted a grand total of 14 goals - so one less than the number of clubs he has played for since 2004 then!

How much are we paying him? Probably a Mido - a grand a week. But even that threatens to be money down the pan. We saw how crap Mido was. We were duped briefly by Ilan. What hope is there of this outcast setting the Boleyn alight?

His record so far this season? Four appearances and no goals! Brilliant, just brilliant! Meanwhile Southampton are buying Sharp!

And to think I've been taking the piss out of QPR!

Three's Company: Jelavic, Maynard and A. N. Other before window slams closed.

2012-01-29T22:35:00.001Z

It's getting tight to the wire, but expect West Ham to sign three before the window closes. Rhodes is the preferred option but it's looking as if Huddersfield won't let him go. One for the summer, perhaps, if we get up, although Rodallega might be a better option for the Prem - and cheaper!

So expect Jelavic and Maynard to join, with somebody else coming in on loan. Sears will go out on loan, and with luck Piquionne too.

This is a last throw of the dice to try to secure promotion.

Bristol City's Maynard on his way

2012-01-29T17:47:00.001Z

Interesting that Nicky Maynard wasn't in the Bristol City team that lost at Reading today. McInnes claimed "Nicky Maynard didn't start because we won last week and I kept the same front three" but that is obviously bullshit. He is on his way out, and the buying club want him fit and ready for the next round of fixtures. The Bristol City manager added, "But there may be bids for him before the deadline closes and if there are then we will deal with it."

Did he mean to say "deal with it" or did he really mean "deal"?

Maynard wasn't at the top of our shopping list but he is somebody we have been looking at. He may not be coming to the Boleyn but he is almost certainly on his way out of Ashton Gate. Given he can leave on a Bosman in the summer, the fee would be very low so minimal risk would be involved. If he aint good enough, he can be moved on again in the summer. Sounds like a Sullivan style deal to me!

On yours marks, get set....sign anybody!

2012-01-29T15:50:00.002Z

One month. One bloody month. So what do they do? They wait until the last two days. If the conduct of clubs like West Ham and QPR in the transfer window is not a definition of business madness, then tell me what is!

I know those in the know will say, "That's how it works." I know excuses will be made about clubs holding out for the best price. I know people will claim that you need one deal to oil the wheels of all the others, one big money move that starts a chain reaction. But it is all a load of cobblers when you look at the madness of the crazy rush that happens in the last 24 hours.

Tell me, how are considered judgements made in that last 24 hour scramble? What about player fitness? How do clubs assess the motivation of players they are scrambling to purchase? What sort of questions are asked in those final crazy hours? Can he still walk? Does he have a passport?

Madness. Sheer bloody madness.

QPR's tactical discussion for Chelsea game leaked.

2012-01-29T12:03:00.003Z

Training pitch, Friday. Hughes calls the players together and dishes out the bibs saying, "Red bibs Chelsea, yellow bibs Man City."
"QPR boss," corrects Barton.
"Quite. Quite. Whatever. Now then boys, tactics. Big competition. FA Cup. Big game. Chelsea. Big club Chelsea. Big players. Chelsea."
"Not all of them boss, some of them are quite short," corrects Barton.
"Not from where I'm standing," corrects Wright-Phillips.
"Whatever, whatever," says Hughes, irritated and marking Barton's card. "Now then, Chelsea boys form a line to the left of the halfway line. Come on, come on, straight line. Form it up neatly. That's better. Now then QPR boys, file down the line and shake hands."
"Which one's John Terry?" asks Anton.
"He's number five, so fifth from the left," replies Hughes.
"But that's me," complains Gabbidon. "I'm not being John Terry. I'm black."
"OK, ok", says Hughes irritated. "Swap positions with who ever that it is standing next to you." Sparky turns to Eddie N and asks "Who the hell is that next to Gabbs?" and his coach replies with a shrug.
"Ok, now then, we have to get this handshake right," insists Hughes. "The eyes of the world will be watching."
"What about the game?" asks Barton.
"Look, who is manager here?" demands Hughes. "The game doesn't matter. It's the handshake that counts!"
"I'm not shaking John Terry's hand!" insists Anton. "He's a racist. He called me rude names."
The other players agree. "Not shaking his hand boss. Solidarity. Supporting Anton. Sharing a dressing room. Sticking together. All for one and one for all," each mumble to the other. Hughes is getting increasingly irritated, muttering, "It's like being back at Man City with bloody Bellamy and Tevez. Except they could play a bit of course!"
"Let's strike a compromise," Paddy Kenny suggests. "We could all refuse but Joey could shake Terry's hand in the centre circle. After all Joey's brother murdered a black teenager in a racially motivated attack."

A silence falls over the pitch. Anton looks at Barton and Barton looks back. And smiles.

"Up for that Joey?" asks Hughes.
"No problem for me to shake Terry's hand," replies Barton.
"Solidarity. Supporting Anton. Sharing a dressing room. Sticking together. All for one and one for all", the players mutter before Barton jogs alongside Ferdinand and asks, "Oy Anton, didn't you share a dressing room with Bowyer at West Ham after he beat up that Asian guy? Respect man, respect!"

The Messiah Resurrected On Green Street

2012-01-28T21:22:00.002Z

And so it came to pass that the Lord came again unto the Earth in a place that had been named Green Street. And the people were sore amazed when the Messiah came amongst the pimps and the whore and the arch apostate Allardyce. For the soil was polluted and the air was polluted and the spirit was contaminated with every form of evil.

Any truth in the rumour that Tevez is returning? Well Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, so any one of the current squad could meet our Messiah outside the gates of the Boleyn and give the Argentine a piggy back ride into the home dressing room!

Sounds like silly season to me but my aunt grew bollocks and became my uncle, so who knows?

QPR Fans to Demand the Return of Warnock!

2012-01-28T15:45:00.002Z

Well would you believe it? I throw in my lot with the Hoops, invest a fiver in them to win the FA Cup, and they duly slip out of the competition with a whimper. Under Warnock, QPR were good enough to beat Chelsea courtesy of a dodgy penalty; under Hughes they surrendered in similar fashion.

Sadly, because of Anton's petulance, I have to say that QPR got what they deserved. The decision to suspend the traditional handshake before kick off said it all. If one wasn't prepared to extend the hand of friendship, none could. So silly little Anton got his way and instead of being sat on a naughty step outside Mark Hughes' office, he was allowed to start and to sour the mood of the game.

And sour it he did. How could either side play with blood and thunder in the circumstances? The only way QPR were ever going to win this was by adopting the tactics used under Warnock. They had to crunch into every tackle, get into the faces of the Chelsea players and whip the crowd up into a frenzy. Had Ferdinand shook Terry's hand, that might have happened. Right would have been in QPR's sails, the decks would have been cleared of all the nonsense, and the scene would have been set for little old Rangers to sink the Plastic Armada.

Instead, an apology of a contest unfolded, which suited Chelsea down to the ground. Back in October there were 34 free kicks in the game, this time there were just 23; back in October there were 9 yellows and 2 red cards, today there were just four yellow cards. Right up Chelsea's street, whereas in October, it was right up Chelsea!

So, who came out of the game smiling and who came out looking a cnut? By allowing the controversy over name calling to smother preparation for the game, Ferdinand did a huge disservice to the team and to the loyal Rs who support him and the club. The guy's churlish petulance has been counter productive and, leaving aside the use of the word black, many QPR fans might now agree with Terry's verdict of him.

Ferdinand needs to climb back out of his own backside and think about the team and the good of the game, rather than about himself and the simmering rivalry between Terry and the Ferdinand family - which predates the "racist" incident. Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela he aint, his campaign is just spiteful petulance in my book, and that petulance has just killed off QPR's chances of winning the FA Cup.

And cost me a fiver!

Sam Sets The Standard

2012-01-28T11:10:00.002Z

How depressing was Allardyce's article in the Evening Standard? No hint of an apology for our awful performance against Forest. Instead, he serves up a dish of smug, self congratulatory triumphalism, with a garnish of caution in case it all goes wrong.

Doctor Evil's understanding of the game is summed up when he boasts that stats show how we have got the ball into the opposition box more often than any other team in the division. That, according to Sam, is the mark of a good team!

To hell with the quality of the delivery! Never mind that there's nobody in the box to receive it! So what that 95% of the time the ball finds a defender with time and space to clear? It's statistics my friend, and even if you only find your own player 5% of the time, 5% of one hundred is better than 5% of fifty, so hoof the ball in as often as possible and eventually you will find a player from your own team!

It is the diametrically opposite approach of Barcelona. Watch the Catalans play and they treat the penalty area like the vagina of a goddess, only to be penetrated in moments of divine ecstasy. The ball is loved. A pass across the face of the box is foreplay. A pass backwards is titillation. A pass wide is a touch against the erogenous zones.

But Allardyce isn't interested in foreplay. Fcuk it. Get it in there. Knock her to the floor, rip off her underwear and give her one, then chalk it up on the bed post, burp, fart and chew on a pack of Wrigley's is his approach. And for those of us who have worshipped at the altar of Moore, Hurst, Peters, Brooking, Di Canio, Greenwood and Lyall, it is the ultimate desecration, the ultimate corruption of a thing of beauty.

But we are top of the table the Allardyce apostates will argue, like fathers who ignore the bruises on their daughter's arms because the boyfriend is a good lad who always buys his round. God help us!

QPR's Anton refusing a hand job

2012-01-27T22:10:00.003Z

Well the guy is acting like a tosser so it is probably good news from Terry's point of view that Ferdinand is refusing a handshake, because heaven only knows what might be coating the palm of Anton's hand!

There have been those defending Ferdinand, arguing that he hasn't stirred all this up. Well his reluctance to shake Terry's hand nails that lie. What a stupid, vindictive, irresponsible, petulant arse Anton is showing himself to be! But are we surprised? Remember this is the man who was put on trial, with his mate, for setting about a guy outside a club to protect his £64,000 watch.

And now Anton has received a bullet in the post! He has already hired £30,000 worth of protection so what's he going to do now? Best not drive past any book depositories on the way to the ground Anton mate!

John Lennon, John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King and...Anton Ferdinand. Three greats and a goofy goon!

This has all got ridiculously out of hand and Ferdinand only has himself to blame. He should have offered a handshake long ago and nipped this nonsense in the bud. Instead, he climbed up on his high horse and made himself a target for hatred and vilification. Let's hope he doesn't learn in a painful way that sticks and stones really do hurt more than names ever can!

Bye, bye, bye Ilunga!

2012-01-27T21:23:00.002Z

We saw the light on the night that he signed his full time contract
We saw the flickering shadows of money on his mind
He was our left back
And as he deceived us we watched and went out of our minds

My, my, my, Ilunga!
Why, why, why, Ilunga?

We could see that guy was no good for us
But we were lost like slaves that no Grant could set free
At break of day when that man drove away, Sam was waiting
He crossed the street to Rita's house and Ilunga opened the door

He stood there laughing
Sam felt the knife in his hand and he laughed no more

My, my, my Ilunga
Why, why, why Ilunga?

So before they come to break down the door
Forgive us Ilunga we just couldn't take any more!

[insert trumpet solo here]

He stood there laughing
Sam felt the knife in his hand and he laughed no more

My, my, my, Ilunga
Why, why, why, Ilunga

So before they come to break down the door
Forgive us Ilunga we just couldn't take any more
Forgive us Ilunga we just couldn't take any more!

QPR, PSG and Spurs Target Samba is a Disgrace to Football!

2012-01-27T10:15:00.003Z

Dear God, I hope Blackburn fine Samba and leave him to rot in the reserves for the rest of the season. The guy signed a contract extension last year and is the club captain at Blackburn, but with Tottenham, PSG and QPR sniffing, he slapped in a transfer request. So far, so fair enough. Everybody is entitled to ask.

But the request was rejected and Samba was told his services were required until the end of the season at least - in line with a contract that HE signed. So what has he done now? Only come out and said that Blackburn should sell him or he will throw games if picked.

OK, he hasn't used those words exactly, but how else do you interpret his reported words in The Sun: “Blackburn need players who are 100 per cent for the club — and I’m not." That is a threat. That is a warning that he will coast, that he won't show commitment, that he will, by implication, help the opposition to win.

He added: "“I’m at the end of the road here. I’m not going to change so, for their good and mine, they must sell me now.” Look at the threat implied in the words "for their good...they must sell me".

This is a time for the clubs to unite on behalf of the sport and the fans. No club should touch Samba. No group of fans should welcome him to their club. This is an appalling betrayal. Blackburn fans have idolised this man. The club has made him very wealthy. In fact the club has made him because he was a nobody before Blackburn gave him the chance to play in the Prem. And how has he repaid the club and their fans? Despicably.

Rot in the stiffs Samba! Stand firm Blackburn. And all the other clubs should make him a pariah. Asking for a move is one thing, threatening a club in this way cannot and must not be tolerated.

Tottenham's 'Arry Can't Reed and Rite!

2012-01-26T22:16:00.001Z

No surprise there! According to 'Arry, he's never "wrote" a letter in his life. He aint a wealer deeler, 'e's a football manager, but he can't spel for his liffe and is so disorgasmized that he couldn't posibly hide monie from the tax man.

Mind you, this inability to write hasn't stopped 'Arry from earning money from News International for a weekly article in The Sun. How does that work then? He can't write a letter but he can write a column for a newspaper!

But then the article is no doubt ghosted. Just like a bank account in Monaco!

If I'm on the jury, he is going down!

Is Yo-Yo a No-No for Sullivan & Gold or Perfectly Acceptable?

2012-01-26T21:51:00.003Z

There is a body of opinion that holds that relegation suited Sullivan and Gold. It enabled them to cut wages across the board and nudged a host of high wage earners out of the door. The Eggert, Duxbury, Curbishley, Nani & Zola eras did for us good and proper. Bad signings, bad sales, bad appointments, bad tactics, bad contracts, bad results...between them, they dug the grave, tipped in the corpse and then handed a shovel over to the Undertaker Grant to complete the job. And, with the backing of Sullivan and Gold, Grant duly buried us as a Premiership club.

But so what? The latest accounts suggest that the shake down of relegation has achieved exactly what Sullivan and Gold might have hoped it would. After warning of financial Armageddon if we went down, perhaps it dawned on them that with parachute payments in place, relegation represented the opposite, a means of financial rehabilitation. Had we clung on to Premiership survival, players would have had to be bought and new arrivals would have demanded wage parity with the overpaid leeches already sucking the life out of the club. We were in a Catch 22.

Now it has all changed. Nolan is overpaid and so is Cole, but the rest are presumably on realistic wages, remembering that we refused to increase Green's salary. Now, if we return to the Prem, we will do so with a drastically reduced wage bill and in a position to turn a profit, even if we finish bottom. And those words, "even if we finish bottom" are important.

We may now have a financial model that suits a club of our stature. West Brom Yo-Yoed and because of the parachute payments, are financially stable. What would Sullivan & Gold prefer, huge transfer fees and a massive wage bill to keep us in the Prem, or harvesting the dosh one year, whilst keeping the wage bill low, accepting probable relegation and then focusing on bouncing back up the next season? If it works this year, then why not again, and again, and again, and again, and....

...and looking at that arse, I reckon it might be Princess Karren playing with that yo yo!

Ex QPR & Hammers legend Phil Parkes tells it how it is at Upton Park!

2012-01-26T15:46:00.002Z

Well said Phil Parkes! He was always a safe pair of hands and a level headed guy, and now he has come out and said it exactly as it is at Upton Park. According to Parkes, we only have 4 Premiership quality players in the squad: Green, Tomkins, Taylor and Noble (possibly).

It is interesting that Cole and Collison do not feature in that list. In fact, Cole is compared to David Cross and Parkes invites us to consider how many his former team mate would have scored "against oppositions like these". Baldock isn't good enough either. Faye and Reid are not considered up to it - no surprise there - and McCartney isn't either.

But the big ommission is a certain Kevin Nolan. Did Big Phil forget him? I doubt it! Captain Fantastic doesn't even get a mention!

Parkes quite rightly says we were "dreadful against Forest" and, like me, asserts "in truth I haven’t seen them play that well all season".

I get all sorts of flack for saying it as it is. So, are the anonymice going to turn on Parkes now and tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about?

The truth is, we're shit, and some of us - those who understand the game - know we are! As Phil says, “I still think they will be promoted and I also think that they have the strongest squad in the division and could run away with it if they can find a consistent run of form, but in truth I think that says just how poor the Championship is!"

Fernandes breaks the bank to bolster QPR

2012-01-26T12:35:00.003Z

There were those who scoffed. There were those who said Fernandes would try to cling to Premiership survival on the cheap. There were those who doubted the commitment of the Malaysian to the cause. Well what have those doubters got to say for themselves now?

Not only has Fernandes signed Taiwo, he has now signed Nedum into the bargain! And this one isn't on loan! No sir! QPR have splashed the cash to buy the Man City nearly man, forking out a massive £2.5 million to secure their man! £2.5m! Think of that! £2.5m! On one player!

How much did I say Fernandes would spend in this window? £5m wasn't it? He is half way there!

Hang on, it's just occurred to me, Taiwo and Nedum. Put 'em together and what do you get? Taiwonedum. Or Tweedledee and Tweedledum! And, as time will tell, that sums up the defensive ability of these guys! Never mind the quality, check out the price tag!

Fernandes is shopping in Primark!

£7m offer for Jelavic - if true, who needs QPR's Fernandes?

2012-01-25T20:29:00.001Z

Bloody hell. It's being reported that Rangers have turned down a £7m bid for Jelavic. If this is true, then that's nothing short of amazing. How brave are Sullivan and Gold to make an offer like that whilst we are still in the Championship?

The Dildo Brothers have had their critics - and I am numbered amongst them - but if they are really prepared to shell out that sort of money on one player, without the guarantee of the Premiership's megabucks, and with new financial rules threatened for the Championship, then they deserve huge credit.

Whilst QPR miss out on deals because of an inability to agree terms and are targeting players that they stand no realistic hope of signing, we are apparently competing on a level footing in the transfer market with Premiership clubs.

Of course, the gRs will accuse me of double standards here, as the bid has been rejected, just like the Fernandes bid for Samba. And I have no real defence against that charge. Sullivan and Gold may be playing the same game as the Malaysian, talking big in the full knowledge that they will never have to open their wallets. The difference is that we definitely did bid for Rhodes at a figure that would normally have secured the services of a player in Division 1 and Rangers are willing to part with Jelavic at the right price - and we have met that rumoured price.

So, who needs Fernandes and Mittal when you have Sullivan and Gold exactly?

Cardiff's Malky Mackay Shows Allardyce The Way!

2012-01-25T12:06:00.001Z

Congratulations to Malky Mackay and his Cardiff team. They came to Upton Park and gave us a bloody nose first game of the season, sit on the shoulder of Southampton and just four points behind ourselves in the Championship, and have now reached a League Cup final into the bargain.

It was hugely refreshing to hear Mackay's answer to the question, "You're in the final and you're third in the Championship, which do you prioritise?" No bull, no lip service to the now standard mantra, Mackay replied, "We prioritise both."

Good on him! Cardiff fans must be choked to see Swansea playing out of their skins in the Prem, but they now have their own bragging rights. And they could well join Swansea in the top division next season. How wonderful would that be for Wales?

Mackay had to cope with a massive turnover of players in the summer - just like Allardyce - and he has led them brilliantly. They're not great - no team in this division is - but they play decent football and they give a good account of themselves every time they take to the pitch; and you can't ask more than that!

True we are four points ahead of Cardiff at the moment, but most pundits expected the gap to be larger at the start of the season - and we crashed out of both Cups at the first hurdle. Why can Cardiff give a good account of themselves in both League and Cup, whilst we have had to sacrifice Cup glory in the name of pragmatic pursuit of promotion?

Far be it from me to suggest this, but might modest Malky Mackay be a better manager than arrogant Allardyce? Perish the thought!

Matty Taylor on the way back!

2012-01-24T23:03:00.001Z

Let's not get too carried away, the guy has come back a couple of times before and barely got through a game, but we have to hope that the long layoff has put him right this time.

Taylor isn't Messi but he offers balance on the left of midfield and can deliver a wicked set piece. We will be a much better team for his return - providing he can string a few games together, at last.

QPR News: Sparky to sack his agent as Alex heads to Paris?

2012-01-24T22:51:00.001Z

Hello, hello, hello. The gRs were telling me that Alex was definitely joining QPR because the Chelsea reject and the QPR manager share the same agent. But now, it seems, Alex has rejected the Hoops and is heading for PSG instead.

You what? Alex has failed to agree terms with Rangers apparently. But how can that be? Isn't Mittal one of the richest men in the World? Hasn't Fernandes committed himself to turning QPR into a major force in the Prem? These guys could buy Tevez if they wanted to, according to the gRs, yet they can't stump up enough to persuade a second rate Brazilian to stay in London.

Bloody hell! Some might think that Fernandes has been selling the gRs a line! How many new signings so far? A left back on loan!

Quelle surprise! As Alex may say when he moves to Paris!

Tottenham's 'Arry Doing Porridge

2012-01-24T21:58:00.001Z

Opening credits. Voice over. "Henry James Redknapp, you have pleaded not guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."

Opening scene. Medical inspection.
MO: Suffer from any illness?
'Arry: Bad feet.
MO: Suffer from any illness?
'Arry: Bad feet!
MO: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
'Arry: Only with my bad feet! ...
MO: Are you now or have you at any time been a practising homosexual.
'Arry: What, with these feet? Who'd have me?

[The MO has finished 'Arry's medical, and points to some specimen containers over on a table]
MO: Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
'Arry: What, from 'ere?

On the evidence so far, if I'm on the jury, he's going down! And that's without googling him and checking out any previous!

A Missive From Doncaster

2012-01-24T16:44:00.002Z

1 West Ham         27 19 53
2 Southampton     27 20 50
3 Cardiff              27 15 49
4 Middlesbrough 27   3 45
5 Hull                   27   3 45
6 Birmingham       26 16 43
7 Blackpool          27 9 42
8 Reading             27 7 42
9 Leeds                27 5 42
10 Brighton          27 1 41
11 Derby             27 -2 41
12 Burnley          27 6 40
13 Leicester         27 6 38
14 Crystal Palace 27 -1 37
15 Barnsley          27 -4 36
16 Peterborough   27 1 33
17 Portsmouth      26 0 31
18 Watford        27 -11 30
19 Bristol City    27 -12 30
20 Millwall         27 -8 29
21 Ipswich        27 -16 28
22 Nott'm Forest 27 -22 24
23 Doncaster    27 -22 23
24 Coventry     27 -13 22

I spent 10 days in the summer finding Mido, and today I'm in Doncaster, hunting down Billy Sharp, hoping to persuade him to come south with me and sign for West Ham. This place is such a dump - despite the new shopping centre - I can't imagine why anybody would want to stay here. Reject Leicester by all means - who would want to live there - but choose Donny over London? Why?

Mind you, I have had a fascinating time. I stood outside a house being cleared by bailiffs for non payment of rent and watched as the furniture and TVs were carried out and loaded into a van. Pretty soon the van was packed to the rafters, and then two guys came out carrying a dining table.
"There's no way that's fitting in the van," one guy said.
They looked at the heaving van, looked at the table, stood around scratching their heads, and then one noticed something. "The legs unscrew!" he said triumphantly. "We could unscrew the legs, slide and stack them down the side of the van there and then lay the table top on top of all the other stuff in that five inch gap up there."
"Brilliant!" his mate said. So they unscrewed the legs, slid and stacked them down the side of the van, and then hoisted the table onto the pile of furniture, squeezing it neatly into the only remaining five inch gap, and there it lay.

All of which goes to prove that sometimes, the table really does lie!

Allardyce's Devils now ahead of Saints on points!

2012-01-23T22:38:00.001Z

Satan must be rubbing his hands together in glee as he studies the contract signed by Allardyce, giving his soul in return for the England job. With 'Arry in court today, facing a possible stretch inside for alleged tax evasion, Doctor Evil's West Ham Wanderers were confirmed as leaders of the Championship as Satan's vermin Leicester City ripped out the throats of Adkins' Saints, edging Allardyce just that little bit closer to the job he craves.

Poor Bobby Moore, already turning in his grave at the corruption of the West Ham way, must be dreading the appointment of Sam Pot as manager of the National Team. Just imagine Allardyce's England playing against Brazil! Well we may not have to imagine it the way things are going!

It is great news that we sit at the top of the table, three points clear of Southampton and with a goal difference which is only marginally inferior. The Saints have stumbled badly, and their slump continues. Lambert is so important to them, and so is Lallana, both of whom missed today's game.

We are in the box seat now, and Allardyce may just have given his and our soul to keep us there!

Allardyce Bad Mouths West Ham's Heritage

2012-01-23T20:30:00.004Z

He really is an arrogant, disrespectful git isn't he? Not content with producing a Bolton B Team in Claret and Blue, Allardyce has bad mouthed the club's heritage, scoffing, "The West Ham way is the losing way".

It's true. Even with Moore, Hurst and Peters in the team, we lost more games than we won. But we did win the FA Cup & the Cup Winners Cup under Greenwood, and the FA Cup twice under Lyall. Not to mention coming within a whisker of winning the most thrilling Cup Final ever under Pardew and reaching the Cup Winners Cup Final under Lyall, playing our part - a losing part it is true - in another 6 goal Cup Final thriller.

Yes Allardyce, the West Ham way is the losing way. But do you know, the fans were entertained. Unlike the Bolton and Blackburn fans who endured long ball bollocks to achieve what exactly? The West Ham way is the losing way, but at least it won friends. What has the Allardyce Way ever won? Any league titles? Any poxy little domestic cups? Any European trophies? Any admirers or friends?

Tell us Sam. When are the fans going to start singing "We are Fat Sam's Claret and Blue Army?" When are the fans going to take you to their hearts? When are the fans going to leave the Boleyn buzzing rather than muttering, "If it gets us up..."?

Anybody kidding himself that Allardyce has worked some kind of oracle at West Ham should take very careful note of key stats revealed in Saturday's match day programme. Based on games against the teams sitting in the bottom half of the table - the real shit of the division - our results, even before the victory over Forest, put us top of the table.

However, based on results against teams in the top half of the table - the shit that isn't good enough for the Prem - we sit in SEVENTH place in the Championship!

Note that: SEVENTH. That is OUTSIDE THE PLAY OFF PLACES!

So what does that show? Well, when we come up against teams with a mere modicum of ability, we are found wanting! Based on a division within the division, we are only the seventh best team in amongst a mass of mediocrity.

The truth is, there has been no real change since Avram departed. If we were in the Prem, we would be struggling just as badly under Allardyce as we were under Grant. We couldn't beat Cardiff or Leeds or Southampton or Reading or Birmingham or Burnley. So never mind Man Utd, Unreal City, Chelsea and Tottenham, we would struggle against Wolves, QPR, Wigan, Blackburn and Bolton!

The improvement under Allardyce is a chimera. If you play against shit teams, you SHOULD win. The trouble is, we have to play shit-with-knobs-on teams before we can win, and even then we need dubious penalties and dodgy red cards to do so. How many goals have we scored from open play since the beginning of December? Where would we sit in a "current form table", leaving aside two narrow home victories against teams in the bottom three?

The West Ham way is the losing way, apparently. But under Lyall we won the FA Cup when in the Second Division and reached a League Cup final too. How have you fared in the Cups then Sam?

God help us if we do get back into the Prem. We will be a laughing stock. Welcome to the Academy of Football where players graduate in the long ball lump!

He has killed off the present, casts a shadow over the future and now, like the Big Fat Dictator that he is, he wants to annihilate our heritage and our past. Welcome to Sam Pot's Year Zero! And all you pragmatists should remember that in Germany the Weimar thought they could control Hitler until it was all too late!

QPR News: No Brazilian in the Bush!

2012-01-23T18:20:00.002Z

Well there's a surprise! Henrique is not joining QPR after all. It transpires that the Brazilian wonderkid doesn't qualify for a work permit!

Now you would have thought that Fernandes and the QPR Board might have checked out whether or not Henrique would meet the criteria for a permit before they trumpeted that they were trying to sign him. Unless, of course, this was all just a publicity stunt from the off.

We are now a week away from the window closing and how much has Fernandes spent exactly? There's been lots of talk - just like his stated ambition to sign Parker in August when he knew that Scotty was Tottenham bound - but what has been delivered so far?

An African left back who has barely kicked a ball in anger so far this season - and he's only on loan! Any Rangers fans who think the guy must be quality because he has signed from AC Milan should note how crap Jimenez and Obinna were in the Prem after we signed them on loan from Inter. If he was any good, Milan wouldn't let him go!

Nedum probably won't be joining because of Mummy. Piennar has been priced out of the market. Samba was never going to be allowed to join Rangers so Fernandes could safely play Billy Big Bollocks with a £7m offer, knowing it wouldn't be accepted - just like with Parker. Alex still hasn't shown any interest in swapping Chelsea's Stiffies for QPR's Bush.

Of course, the gRs will tell me West Ham are shit - but I agree so what's the point in that? I have warned throughout that Fernandes is all mouth and no trousers, and the Henrique farce is further evidence that the Rs are being conned.

The result against Wigan was a fantastic fillip and Buzsaky took his goal superbly - but Wigan are a very poor team. It's all very well for Hughes to get results against MK Dons and Wigan, but much bigger challenges lie ahead. Unless Fernandes invests, QPR will struggle, but for all the talk, there's no hard evidence that the Malaysian is really planning to open his wallet!

Vital Statistics Revealed In Match Day Programme

2012-01-23T17:43:00.000Z

Anybody kidding himself that Allardyce has worked some kind of oracle at West Ham should take very careful note of key stats revealed in Saturday's match day programme.

Based on games against the teams sitting in the bottom half of the table - the real shit of the division - our results, even before the victory over Forest, put us top of the table.

However, based on results against teams in the top half of the table - the shit that isn't good enough for the Prem - we sit in SEVENTH place in the Championship!

Note that: SEVENTH. That is OUTSIDE THE PLAY OFF PLACES!

So what does that show? Well, when we come up against teams with a mere modicum of ability, we are found wanting! Based on a division within the division, we are only the seventh best team in amongst a mass of mediocrity.

There has been no change since Avram guys. If we were in the Prem, we would be struggling. We couldn't beat Cardiff or Leeds or Southampton or Reading or Birmingham or Burnley. So never mind Man Utd, Unreal City, Chelsea and Tottenham, we would struggle against Wolves, QPR, Wigan, Blackburn and Bolton!

The improvement under Allardyce is a chimera. If you play against shit teams, you SHOULD win. The trouble is, we have to play shit-with-knobs-on teams before we can win, and even then we need dubious penalties and dodgy red cards to do so.

Wake up! How many goals have we scored from open play since the beginning of December? Where would we sit in a "current form table", leaving aside two narrow home victories against teams in the bottom three?

If Allardyce doesn't bring in two or three players before the window slams shut, we will find ourselves in the play offs!

Onouha's Mummy Says Maybe Not to QPR

2012-01-23T07:10:00.002Z

Oh dear , oh dear, oh dear. Hoops fans might like to think again about the wisdom of signing Onouha after his mother has said that he will only make a move that is "right for his career and family circumstances".

It sounds very much to me as if Mummy doesn't want her darling Nedum living too far away from her and is worried about the big bad nasty Smoke. What sort of 25 year old guy has his Mummy as his "representative" speaking on his behalf, for pity's sake?

Nedummy has been in talks with QPR but a stumbling block appears to be the diamond encrusted teddy bear he is demanding and the insistence that Farley's Rusks be added to the menu in the QPR canteen. Nedum left the last meeting in tears and had to sit on the naughty step outside Mark Hughes' office for twenty minutes before his tantrum subsided and the meeting could continue.

Just what you Needum when you are looking for a defensive powerhouse to lead you in a battle against relegation!

QPR's Dyer Looking Forward to Pre Season Training!

2012-01-23T00:10:00.002Z

The bloody nerve of the guy! He reckons he is targeting a return for the last month of the season, providing Hughes leaves a berth in his 25 man squad for him. If not, Kieron won't go flat out - correction, he is always flat out but you know what I mean - aiming, instead, for preseason training! Well, it is nice and warm in July and early August so Kieron specialises in friendly games!

Mind you, he's doing his best to get in Mark Hughes' good books. Just listen to him!

"He nearly got the Chelsea job in the summer, so that goes to show what kind of manager he is. He's got a professional outfit with Eddie Niedzwiecki, Mark Bowen and Kevin Hitchcock; they're very professional and thorough. He left Fulham, who finished eighth in the league, to come and take a job at QPR. If he can keep us up this season with the owners and their vision then QPR is a great place to be. It's paramount though that we stay in the league this season and we will really kick on with the new manager."

So that's it then, Dyer is out with another injury: chronic brown nose!

Why is Collison taking corners? And why can't we coach the basics?

2012-01-22T23:09:00.002Z

I know Taylor is injured, but that's not the bloody point! What the hell is Collison doing taking corners from the right? Every one is dollied up wide and deep, aimed towards Tomkins - and JT can't head a goal to save his life anyway - and with no pace and no whip; it is so so so easy to defend.

How many corners did Collison take against Forest? Three? Four? And they were all exactly the same, and every one was met by a Forest head thumping the ball to safety. Noble has his critics, but at least he delivers a corner into the six yard box where the opposition keeper is crowded and blocked according to Doctor Evil directives. It aint subtle, but it can produce scrambled goals. But the Collison delivery is NEVER going to panic a half decently organised defence.

What the hell are they doing on the training field? Surely a professional footballer should be able to deliver a corner with pace into the six yard box, even with his wrong foot? I can for Christ's sake, so why can't Collison?

But he is not alone in failing in the basics. One guy chatting with me at the game described a typical Cole header as "sucking the life out of the ball". Why does he cushion headers? Where are his neck muscles? Where is the headbutt motion that should deliver the forehead onto the ball, like a Barton greeting onto the bridge of a nose? For once, Faubert delivered the perfect cross on Saturday, only for Cole to cushion the ball tamely wide of the goal. It was like watching a girlie with a broken nose head the ball - or like watching Faubert!

And what about Green's kicking? Twice on Saturday he put the ball into touch in his own half, and on neither occasion was he under pressure. Basic, basic stuff, but England's number 666 can't do it! Pathetic!

I don't blame the players, I blame the coaches. How many goals have we scored from open play in the last two months? One, two? And is it any wonder when Faubert can't cross, Cole can't head a ball, McCartney can't cross, Collison can't take a corner, and nobody can hit a barn door from five yards? Why aren't they being drilled in these basic skills for pity's sake?

Scott Parker and Tottenham Stumble at Man City

2012-01-22T22:08:00.001Z

Poor Scotty Parker must have thought he was back in Claret and Blue, as Tottenham shipped three goals and "Mr West Ham" was cruelly exposed - having his head stamped on by Balotelli into the bargain!

For the Nasri goal, the Tottenham back line was ripped to shreds as an unchallenged Silva, operating in the hole that Scotty is supposed to fill, slipped in a brilliant pass for the former Arsenal man to slam home. The second saw Parker watching from a yard away as Lescott netted. And as King brought down Balotelli for the third, who was that huffing and puffing in the Italian's wake? None other than Scotty Parker, his foppish hairstyle flapping in the Italian's slipstream!

Tottenham were undoubtedly unlucky - Balotelli should have seen a straight red for the stamp, never mind a second yellow - but Parker learnt today that, up against superior teams, anchoring isn't as easy as it has seemed up until now in a Tottenham shirt. With more big games to come, we will see just how good Tottenham and Scotty Parker really are!

QPR's Giant Step to Safety!

2012-01-22T09:44:00.002Z

Well that result was huge! It's not just the three points, although the three points were massive of course, it's what the win has done psychologically to the team and the fans. At last a home victory in the Prem against 11 men! At last back to back wins! At last a buzzing sound in the Bush! And all this under a newly appointed manager. Fabulous!

What a shame the next game is in the Cup against Chelsea. Ideally, the next Prem game would follow on quickly. But the up side is that by the time the Hoops take on Villa, there could be both a buzzing sound and a Brazilian in the Bush - and imagine the squeals of delight then! A result in Birmingham followed by a victory at home to Wolves, and they will be talking about the Europa League again!

Mind you, it is suddenly getting interesting at the bottom. Bolton and Blackburn have come out of hibernation and look as if they mean to make a fight of it. But Wolves are on the slide and Wigan now look doomed. How ironic. Martinez had the chance to jump ship in the summer but opted to stay on the the deck of the Costa JJB Sports instead. That's looking like a serious error of judgement. Loyalty? Who values loyalty in football? So now the stick or twist debate has started at Molineaux - with McCarthy being blamed a week after being hailed a hero for plotting a draw at White Hart Lane.

The bottom five are still detached, and QPR are in the bottom five despite that win - so this is not the time for the Rs to get cocky nor for the gRs to get aggressively triumphant. We hauled our way out of the bottom three at one point last season and still finished bottom. But Hughes has established some momentum and that could be crucial. The odds on survival shortened yesterday. Get a result against Villa and Wolves and there could even be some breathing space! It's exciting at the bottom end!

Top of the table in a morgue

2012-01-22T01:10:00.003Z

How subdued were the crowd again today? True the performance was uninspiring but the atmosphere at the Boleyn was dreadful.

It was all summed up by the muted response to Kriss Akabusi's reading of the teamsheet. Poor Akabusi gave it his all, reading the selected players' names as if they were returning World Cup winners, but the fans responded with all the enthusiasm of a beauty pulling out Ian Dowie's keys at a wife swapping party. Kriss announced "Capatain Fantastic, Number Four, Kevin Nolaaaaannnnnnn!" and the crowd responded with a barely audible, "Yay". By the time Akabusi reached, "Number Twenty-One Papa Bouba Diop" nobody could be arsed to even groan!

The best reception of all, in fact, was for Marlon Harewood, "Who so nearly scored the winning goal in the Cup Final against Liverpool." The applause before kick off and in response to his substitution was heart warming, but it is a bit desperate when an opponent is given a bigger cheer than any of your own team. Even the response to the announcement that Tomkins had extended his contract was slightly muted. In fact, first half, the Forest away supporters, like the Forest team, outperformed us.

We finished the game top of the table, but with the ground only two thirds full by the final whistle. For great chunks of the game, you could hear a penny drop in the stadium - even the anger seems to have been suffocated out of the supporters by Allardyce's boring, boring football.

Fortress Upton Park? The Boleyn Morgue more like!

West Ham 2 Nottingham Forest 1 - Thank You Master Bates!

2012-01-21T22:03:00.003Z

Well that was much closer than it should have been - AGAIN! And to those who claim that you get a better understanding of the game if you are there rather than watching on TV or on a good INTERNET stream, all I can say is that I had no idea why either of the penalties were awarded watching live!

But thank God they were because yet again we looked impotent from open play for a good 80% of the game. First half we were awful. Noble probed and made a few good passes and Faubert raided down the right flank with surprising energy but predictably poor results. To be fair he sent over two good crosses in the first half and put one on a plate for Cole in the second - which Carlton headed pathetically wide - but those two apart, we were clueless.

Baldock was busy but offered no kind of threat on goal. Cole was lumbering and offered no kind of threat on goal. Nolan was largely anonymous and offered no kind of threat on goal. Collison dropped deeper and deeper and offered no kind of threat on goal. Diop has scored one goal in six years so enough said!

Forest looked far and away the most likely to score first half. McCartney was afforded no protection on the left hand flank and was done three or four times. Fortunately the crossing was poor and the finishing - when a Forest player connected in the box - poor. Anybody not in the know would have guessed that Forest were the team in the top two and West Ham the side struggling at the wrong end of the table. Our "chances" boiled down a missed deflection from Nolan and a tame shot from outside the box by Noble.

And then Referee Bates - all 50 years of paunch - extended his arthritic arm and pointed to the spot on the stroke of half time. Talk about a bolt from the blue! Where we were sitting in the Chicken Run, we had no idea what had happened and up until that point, Bates and his assistants had ignored repeated pushing and shoving by Forest defenders. At one point Baldock was almost shoved into orbit, right in front of the officials, and nothing was given. The natives around me were getting well agitated and, even after the penalty was scored, the general opinion at half time was that we were "fcuking shit" and that the team had played like a bunch of "fcuking cnuts". And I wasn't about to disagree!

Second half we were better, much better, but Forest should have equalised before Master Bates and his Assistant awarded us our second dubious penalty. Green was forced into a save as Forest ripped through the centre of our defence and the rebound was somehow scrambled or deflected behind for a corner. And from the corner, Cole, on the near post, either deflected the cross , or got out of the way, and the ball appeared to travel right across the goal and strike the far post. Talk about hearts in mouth!

But that seemed to spark us into action. The next fifteen minutes were good, bloody good, but it was all happening at the opposite end of the pitch. Collison woke up, waltzed past three Forest defenders and forced Camp into a superb save. Lansbury forced Camp into another good save and Baldock joined in with Camp again getting in a block, only for Collison to blaze wide of an open goal.

When the second penalty was awarded, all the tension disappeared. Faubert suddenly started attacking the full back and crossing from the byline and Cole missed a sitter, heading wide that rare thing, a perfect Faubert cross. And the game was as good as over as a contest.

Tomkins was awarded Man of the Match as a reward for signing his contract extension and then, lo and behold, put the ball into McGugon's path (it was a weak tackle) for the Forest goal - a real belter!

Allardyce has admitted that we weren't at our best - and that is an understatement! But then, when have we been at our best? Back in September wasn't it?

We are top - but ask Forest fans how and they will tell you that Master Bates is the most appropriately named official ever!

Player ratings: Green 6 Faubert 7, Tomkins 6, Reid 7, McCartney 5, Diop 5, Collison 6, Noble 7, Nolan 5, Baldock 6, Cole 1 Subs: Lansbury 6, Piquionne 1, Hall 7 (Really impressive apart from one dreadful corner!)

QPR v Wigan. Hughes says, "Show me why I should replace you!"

2012-01-21T11:06:00.001Z

Put yourself in Gabbidon's and Ferdinand's boots today. And in the boots of who ever starts at left back or in place of the ex Hammers. This is QPR's biggest game of the year, and three players go in to the game knowing that new manager Mark Hughes is hell bent on replacing them. Not the best motivation is it?

As they get changed, three players will be staring at three Hoops dangling from the ceiling of the changing room, and as Hughes delivers his final rallying cry, all three will be thinking, "Like I'm going to give one hundred percent for you!"

But this is the must win game to end all must win games. The fans will be up for it. Hughes will be up for it. Barton will be up for it - too up for it perhaps. But if three of your defenders are playing under a shadow and don't really care - and if two of them are Anton and Gabbidon - what chance do you stand?

My money is on a 1-1 draw or a 2-1 Wigan victory.

And who would want to join QPR then?

West Ham v Nottingham Forest - Play it again Sam!

2012-01-21T10:47:00.001Z

The last time we met Forest, I was cruising down the Nile, unable to pick up a signal on my radio and with no way of accessing the Internet. It was only when I was able to tune in to that amazing Man Utd v Arsenal game that I discovered we had won 4-1 and everybody on the sun deck turned to me aghast as I let a whoop of joy.

Four goals. Amazing when you think about it, given the last eight games have yielded just 6 goals in total. Yet the players on duty that day have all been available over the last two months, with the exception of the injured Taylor.

Is Matty Taylor really that important to the team? Well he is the best deliverer of a set piece and he is the only option for the left of midfield, if you want a left footer who is comfortable on the flank, but let's be honest, he is not Messi is he? Or even Alan Devonshire! The others should be able to cope with his absence. If not then they are a clueless bunch.

It was a 4-5-1 formation, of course, and there was no Baldock because he hadn't arrived. So expect Little Sam to replace the injured Taylor, and otherwise for Allardyce to stick with the team that thumped Forest on their dung heap. That would mean we set up thus:

Green

O'Brien, Tomkins, Reid, McCartney

Noble Collison

Faubert Nolan Baldock

Cole

Kevin Davies in Claret & Blue?

2012-01-20T17:43:00.002Z

Oh dear God spare us! Now I defended the selection of Davies for England but even I am not going to get excited about the idea of him joining West Ham. He is 34 FFS and isn't good enough to hold down a place at Bolton!

And whilst Davies is good at some things - bullying opponents, throwing his weight around, coming deep, leading the line, collecting yellow cards - one thing he is sure as hell shit at is taking chances.

We have enough goal shy strikers as it is! With Piquionne, Cole and Carew already on the books, why would Allardyce want another lump who can't hit a barn door from three yards out?

Hang on, the answer is in that word lump!

QPR's Barton Savages Warnock!

2012-01-20T17:25:00.001Z

Damn. I said it was only a matter of time before Barton landed one on Warnock's jaw, and it seems from the twitter spat that the Gobby One's dismissal has indeed robbed us of that golden moment. Just picture for a moment Warnock gobbing off as Barton storms from the pitch, getting close up and personal on the touchline and then...wham, Warnock's on the deck and Barton is kicking him and spitting on him as stewards, the police and team mates try to restrain him! Lifetime ban for Barton, broken jaw for Warnock, what could be better?

Amazing the way the tensions between the two were kept under wraps before the sacking! Now, after Warnock has blamed twitter for his sacking - with Barton in mind it seems - the Hooped thug has retaliated by comparing Warnock to Mike Bassett and claiming there were a million reasons why he should be sacked. Charming given Warnock rescued Barton's career after his falling out with Newcastle, talking Fernandes into offering him an obscene salary in the process.

I know Joey fancies himself as a bit of a literature buff after his tweets about Orwell. Perhaps he should pick up a copy of Shelley's Frankenstein, he might just spot a likeness between himself and the reanimated monster.

Meanwhile Hughes should take careful note. Turn your back on Barton, and you're likely to have your skull stove in before you know it!

Jelaviction

2012-01-20T16:37:00.001Z

The Mail is reporting that we are bidding for Jelavic. Trouble is, Rangers haven't received a bid and the figure being quoted comes nowhere near the Scottish club's valuation. So, that sounds like another made up story then!

We have given up on Rhodes and this latest deal looks likely to end up as a dead end too. So where will we turn to next? Piquionne or Carew in all probability!

Sincere apologies to ex QPR boss Neil Warnock

2012-01-19T22:48:00.001Z

Poor Neil, it seems I played my part in getting him the sack. It had nothing to do with QPR's terrible run of games without a victory - one point in his last 8 games wasn't it? - nor the fact that they had only won one home game all season - and that against 9 men. Nor was his dismissal down to QPR sliding into the bottom four from what appeared to be mid table security. No, all of that might imply that Warnock was in some way at fault. What an absurd idea!

No, the man who blamed a QPR blogger for not beating Blackburn at home and who blamed Tevez for the relegation of Sheffield United, is not about to accept that his own failings led to his dismissal.

So it seems it is all the fault of tweeters and bloggers, convincing Fernandes, against all the evidence, that Warnock should be sacked.

Well I'm sorry Neil. I really am. Most sincerely sorry. Better luck next time mate.

West Ham Transfer News

2012-01-19T22:07:00.001Z

Well it is January 19 and the news is, "There aint been no news". No new striker, unless you count Dixon, a 22 year old that nobody has ever heard of. And no new wide midfielder either. Not even a 22 year old that nobody has ever heard of.

We do have a new big lump to play at the back. Not that he is ready to play yet.

Tell me, why have a month long transfer window? Why not open it for just 24 hours?

What a farce.

Anton the QPR Drama Queen!

2012-01-19T07:19:00.004Z

Oh dear God. So Anton's form has been affected by the Terry controversy. The brave lad is going to "face up" to Terry when the teams meet and the former Hammer can "handle" the meeting.

Anybody would think Terry had raped him or murdered his loved ones. Stephen Lawrence's mother was "affected" by the murder of her son. Stephen Lawrence's mother "faced up" to her son's killers. Stephen Lawrence's mother "handled" the trial.

Ferdinand suffered a little bit of name calling. Big bloody deal. He made it into an international incident by crying wolf. Now we are expected to swallow that he is suffering anxiety attacks over the prospect of meeting Terry on a football pitch in front of 20,000 witnesses, three officials and the World's media. What a twat!

Gabbidon reckons Ferdinand's form has suffered. All I can say to that is that Anton must have been called a "F****** black c***" at regular points in his career because his form has never been consistent has it?

And to think I used to defend the guy against his West Ham critics. Now I feel nothing but contempt.

Great Britton - The One That Got Away!

2012-01-18T20:09:00.001Z

So, Leon Britton is officially the best passer of a ball in Europe. Better than Xavi. Better than Fabregas. Better even than Scott Parker and Diop!

And Swansea City, who out-passed Arsenal at the weekend, officially have the best pass completion rate in the Premiership, with Britton pulling the strings in the midfield hub of the team.

So what?

Well when we signed him as a 16 year old from Arsenal, it was for a record fee for a 16 year old - a cool £400,000. Clearly the boy had ability, but were we able to harness that talent and turn potential into the real deal? Sadly not.

Ask West Ham fans to name "the one that got away" and most would nominate Bullard, who like Britton was never given the chance to kick a ball in anger for the club. But it is beginning to look as if the real gem dropped down the drain was Leon.

Not that he would get a game under Allardyce of course. Too short. Too talented. Too many passes.

QPR 's Brazilian in the Bush

2012-01-18T08:26:00.004Z

Well, when you face the possibility of going down, you want a Brazilian in the Bush don't you? And it looks as if QPR may have won the battle to bring the much lauded Henrique to the club. He is 20 years old, reportedly overflowing with talent and, apparently, is wanted by a host of clubs. But the star of the FIFA Under 20 World Cup has opted for QPR because he wants to join a "club with ambition".

Sounds brilliant doesn't it? But as a West Ham fan, three names come to mind: Tevez, Mascherano and Barrera. Now all Rs will know the story of Tevez, and will realise that West Ham were used as a stable for conditioning the Argentinians before they moved on to Manchester United and Liverpool. It is true that Tevez eventually got his finger out and started playing for the club around about February, but it took him fully 5 months to acclimatise, whilst Mascherano drifted off before completing a pass for the club!

Barrera, meanwhile, arrived from Mexico after a good World Cup - the real deal, not the U20 one - and last summer was brilliant in the Gold Cup, firing Mexico to victory. But in England? Well the guy was hopeless, unhappy and completely out of his depth.

And if Henrique is so good, and he is so committed to the club, and Fernandes has so much money, why is he being signed on loan initially? Odd that.

QPR fans pinning their hopes on Henrique may be in for a big disappointment. Barrera left a nasty taste in the mouths of West Ham fans and there is something fishy about this deal. And if you are facing the prospect of going down, the last thing you want is something fishy in the Brazilian Bush.

Gabbidon Grabs Glory - QPR for the Cup!

2012-01-17T22:57:00.001Z

Stranger things have happened! The draw has opened the door for a "lesser light" to make it through to the Final. Man City are out and one of Liverpool or Man Utd have to crash out in the next round too. There's still the little matters of Arsenal, Tottenham and the winners of the Liverpool and Man Utd tie, of course, but if the draw is kind after QPR repeat their victory over the Plastics...

The best thing about today, from QPR's point of view, is that the game used up one of Barton's "holiday fixtures", and the next best thing is the victory - any win after the Hoops' depressing recent run is an absolute God send!

Unfortunately the performance was, by all accounts, poor and that is hardly surprising when you see the team. Not that Hughes was treating the competition with contempt, it's just that the players available to him are not very good. In fact, stripped of Barton and Faurlin, you begin to wonder how Warnock got them promoted and kept them out of the bottom three until his dismissal. The defence is poor, the midfield uninspiring and the front two ordinary. Macheda was withdrawn after 62 minutes which doesn't bode well does it? Hopes are being pinned on a Brazilian kid who hasn't yet been signed - and not many Brazilians have cut it in the Premier League have they?

So Hughes has his first victory, but the performance did not set the pulses racing. The game was, in truth, a sideshow, with the main event Saturday's head to head with Wigan. Lose that, and the FA Cup may be all QPR have to play for! But they won't lose at home to Wigan...will they?